New Ticker

I added a new ticker to the top of my blog to count the days we have been waiting for our LOI. For the benefit of my non adoptive parent readers, the LOI stands for "letter of invitation". It is the final document we need in order to travel to Kazakhstan and finally meet our daughter. When we started this process we were told the wait in Kaz was less than one year. We were advised that we would likely be traveling late summer and that we would definitely be home with our baby by Christmas. In hind sight I am a little surprised that anyone would be so adamant about the time table but perhaps that is an indication of how unstable the program in Kaz has become.

Well clearly we will not have a baby this year and while that is disappointing I have to take solace in the belief that we are close. I am very glad that we chose to pursue a concurrent adoption and not put all our eggs in the China basket. By my calculation in the more than 12 months since we were logged in, China has only processed about 70 days worth of dossiers. If things don't improve substantially then the odds of us even completing an adoption in China are slim. I have to maintain perspective. The wait for Kaz is longer than I had hoped but it is far better than China and the longest part (I think) is behind us.

Such is adoption hurry up, wait, rush to complete, wait, update and fed ex overnight, wait, cross a milestone, wait. So today I start to mark the time served, waiting...again.

***the picture to the left of the ticker is the baby house (orphanage) in Ust-Kamenogorsk

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Precious Quotes

Today we witnessed Dart's little cousin Amber get baptised. It was really unique as it took place in the waves of Lake Erie. Amber was adorable. Even though the water was cold she kept smiling the whole time. It was the first time Nolan has seen a baptism and he had loads of questions but the cutest thing was his pronunciation of "baptism", (he still has his baby lisp). Nolan called it "bath-a-pa-tism", which kind makes sense if you think about it.

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Differential Pain

I've decided I need to distract myself from my current fixation on my adoptions. My idea is to cause enough new pain as to overwhelm the current pain. I thought about a hunger strike but then I remembered ummmm, I really like to eat. So yesterday I hired a personal trainer to kick my butt. I am meeting him for my first workout/evaluation later tonight. It will be awful. Apparently he is going to make me get on a scale and measure my hips and thighs and pinch test me to determine my BMI. Then he is going to test my current fitness level by making me run and jump and stretch until I beg for mercy, (by the way he is 20 something triathlon dude --oh the humiliation!!) Oh well just the distraction I need, I guess.

But you know what I say....bring it on trainer boy, you can't break me. I've been trying to adopt a baby for 2 years. I am strong and stubborn and I do not quit!!! Wish me luck... I'm planning to be one buff Kaz Mama :)

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I am NOT alone....thank goodness!!

Suzette, Jill, Becki, Sandi, Andrea, Marla, Katie, Lanetta, Susan, Jennifer, Karla, Anne, Emily....you are wonderful and amazingly sweet and smart women. Your warmth and compassionate words and wisdom are indicative of the kind of mothers you will be/are. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I did hear back from my agency, this time a much more delicate and supportive tone (this is more what I have grown to expect from them). I feel reassured that we will reach our goal but not this year. Hopefully though it will be early in 2009. My agency has 5 families traveling to my region in October and 4 are meeting baby girls. Apparently we are in queue to be our agency's next family, (wishing to meet a baby girl), to travel to Ust. So no date or even a guess, we just know we are next. I will take that.

I hope some day to meet all of you so I can thank you in person for helping me through a really tough day.

IN RESPONSE TO A PRIVATE EMAIL FROM DEANNA.....I LOVE YOU LIKE A SISTER ALWAYS HAVE-ALWAYS WILL!!!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO RECONNECT.

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Will the disappointment ever end????

For the first time today I was ready to just give up on adoption. Next month will mark 2 years of adoption "journey". A journey that today seems cruel, random and completely without regard for the adoptive families. As I'm sure you can tell I was starting to believe we were about to meet our daughter in November. Well today I got an email from my agency (can you believe an email!?) saying basically;

• 1)no single baby girls available anytime soon 2)you won't be traveling anytime this year 3)we will let you know if/when things change

I actually teared up reading this. It seemed so cavalier like my catalog order was backlogged. I've asked for more information and hopefully it will come soon. I thought (and have been told) that the problem was getting through the Embassy but that the process after that was "business as usual". Not so it seems. I just don't understand the math. I mean if so many dossiers are being held up and big agencies are dropping out, why is there such a long wait once you are through the ministries? Seems like their should be a huge decline in the number of dossiers in country. Why send me to a region that doesn't have children that match my requests? If a child has to be on the registry for 6 months before available to international adoption then what happen since 2 months ago when I was told I would travel in November? Are these estimated travel time based on anything?

I wish I could trust this process but after 2 years and 2 unstable programs I am at the end of my rope. I don't want to give up, I can't. But this is so hard, not the waiting so much as the disappointment. I just need something I can hang on to, look forward to. I need my "due date" - everything else I can endure. Yesterday I was glad not to have swollen ankles but today I'm here to tell you PAPER PREGNANCY SUCKS.

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Kicks & Giggles

OK here's one thing that's better about a "paper pregnancy"....this is me the last time I was "this far along", (eeeesshhhh, am I really wearing a Winnie the Pooh t-shirt???) Seriously now, I have no shame!

(For the record that's Nolan in my belly the morning of his delivery, November 26, 1999)

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Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday Auntie Pearl...I love being silly with you! I hope you have a great day today. I know how much you love birthday cake so make sure you get a big piece with a giant pink frosting flower!!!!




Robert I hope you are sailing the beautiful Caribbean and enjoying a sun kissed birthday. I miss you and love you lots baby brother...XOXO

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Stop the presses!

There's a pink Combi stroller-limited edition-just found it on line. Dart save the receipt!!! I JUST CAN'T LAY OFF THE PINK (so sorry wasabi).

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Babies need a lot of stuff!

I got an email on Friday saying our crib should be delivered Monday or Tuesday this week. I am really excited to finally see my crib set all together (I have exhausted every bit of patience and self control I have on the adoption process so I am putting it up even before the walls are painted!!!). Since I am not waiting another hot second, Dart and I took a drive to Babies R Us to get a mattress for the new crib. Can you believe in all this time I haven't been there? I didn't dare before but now I am confident we are close.

It was a little weird. There were so many pregnant woman waddling around the store I felt a little conspicuous being able to see my feet and all. I also felt really, really old. It seems like a hundred years ago that I was one of those young and round women. Even still it was fun and as different as we may have looked, the excitement we felt pushing around strollers and testing out car seats was as wonderful (and clumsy) as the first time. In some ways it was even better than the first time since now we can actually afford all the STUFF you need to get for a baby. Wowie it's a lot!!!

We made a pretty good haul, (what can I say if I'm there, and I need it, and they've got it, I'm getting it). We got the mattress - after laying down 5 of them on the aisle floor and rolling around for a while. Then we spotted a Britax car seat on clearance (yeah!), got that too. And, when we walked by the strollers we couldn't resist taking a few out for a test drive. (I did already get the Bugaboo Cameleon but I also wanted a light weight folding stroller.) I had a tough time deciding but ultimately landed on the Combi (the color is called "Wasabi"-it's a sign!)

Oh yeah I also got a big ole bottle of Dreft --let the nesting commence!

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We're Ready Now!

Dart and I had a mid day rendezvous today....now, now, get your heads out of the gutter folks :) ....we met to get the last of our shots at the travel clinic. We are officially ready to travel!! All we need now is that darned LOI.

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Better than a sharp stick in the eye...

I sent an email to my agency yesterday asking if they had any more information about when we might travel. They really are good about getting back to me when I ask them anything and I imagine it gets pretty frustrating for them to hear one parent after another asking the same question, WHEN? WHEN?? WHEN???!

True to form I heard back from them and the answer was, like most things in adoption, noncommittal. Basically they are working on getting a firm travel date, we are waiting to hear that a baby girl is available for adoption and they are hopeful they will be able to provide more concrete information sometime in the next couple of weeks. Not what I was hoping for but as they say better than a sharp stick in the eye!.

I tend to email my agency every 3-4 weeks. I don't know if that's too much or not. Does anyone else contact their agency for updates? Dart says I am impatient and generally he's right but this adoption has really been a test. I think I'm doing pretty darn good for a woman who's been "adopting" for almost 2 years! Besides the way I figure it, when you are pregnant you go to the OB every 4 weeks and then as you get closer to your delivery date; every couple weeks, every week, every day. I think it must be a lot like that in adoption. Either that or I'm a neurotic pain in the butt!

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Random, disjointed and somewhat pathetic thoughts...

Random thought #

1. My whole family is out tonight with their various activities. I told Dart I was going to workout, maybe go for a run while they were gone. I am not running. I am sitting on the couch, blogging, while watching "The Biggest Loser" and eating an unseemly amount of ice cream.



2. It's funny how much I enjoy blogging since I was never much one for keeping a journal. Blogging is a sort of online diary-one a whole lot of people can read. Maybe I'm an exhibitionist, maybe all bloggers are???



3. I have started to countdown the hours until the Gray's Anatomy season premier.



4. Dart says "Paranoia Will Destroy You" is by the Kinks not Black Sabbath.



5. The highlight of my day today is the new carpet installed upstairs. My plans for tonight... to walk around barefoot on the new carpet and enjoy its wonderful sponginess! Yes. Really. I 'm not kidding. I just did it.



6. I bought a Kielty backpack carrier today at a second hand children's store for only $39. It has never even been used. I am not a hiker but I love a bargain.



7. I talked to my sister Lisa tonight. I am trying to get her to step into the 21st century and start emailing. This post is my attempt to shame her into using a computer. Our baby from China will be named Charlotte Lisa after my computer challenged sister. You would think since I'm naming my child after her the least she could do is learn to send me an email!! (I love you sis!!)

My beautiful, wonderful, loving and email challenged sister Lisa!

(Hey Lis, notice something missing???)

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Rubbing elbows...

I am just getting home from work - it's been a long one but I had to post quickly about my brush with celebrity. I had a meeting with some of my docs at the Mahoning Valley Restaurant in Youngstown tonight. The place is pretty much a hole in the wall but one of those hole in the walls with history. A local landmark. Anyway I get to the MVR and there are TV cameras on the sidewalk and lots of activity. Hmmm this is strange what's going on? Well it turns out John McCain just dropped in for dinner! According to our waitress secret service came in ahead of time ordered all the food and then John, Cindy and about 20 other people showed up for a Youngstown Italian feast. Salute!! BTW Cindy McCain is way prettier in person.

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Paranoia

Paranoia will destroy ya...who sang that? I think one of Dart's head banger from the 80's bands...is it Black Sabbath??? Oh well that's not my real question.

The question to all of my fellow Kaz PAP's is- How safe is it for me to have a public blog? I am using Site Meter to track the activity on my blog. One of the things it shows is the country of origin for anyone coming onto the blog. Which leads me to my concern. Lately I've been getting hits from Kazakhstan. I'm getting a little worried. I have nothing to hide, obviously I'm very proud of my family and excited about adopting, but who knows what could be taken out of context. (And if grammar and spelling can be used against me, well forget about it :))

I guess the easy answer is to just go private but I wanted to stay public so my family could follow along. Some of them are not so computer literate (you know who you are) and a password may prove too much. Also I really benefited by reading other blogs and I like the idea of "giving back" to the PAP blogger community.

So what do you think, am I paranoid?

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One Year China LIDversary!!! The long journey to our daughter continues.

The temptation to be morbid today is strong. I never imagined I would be here celebrating one year since we logged into China. We actually thought we would have our daughter by now and of course at the time we had not even contemplated a second daughter from Kazakhstan of all places!

But nonetheless it is a milestone and worthy of celebration. One year ago today I took my place in the long journey to China, the journey to my daughter. How and when I get to her is not nearly as important anymore- so long as we get to her. And no matter what, I know today I am one year closer.

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Come on over to my crib....

I remain positive that we will meet our daughter soon. Today I finally purchased a new crib for our dear daughter(s). Since after Nolan was born we thought our baby days were over I gave away every baby thing we had, including the crib. Our last crib was very traditional and white since we wanted something that would work for a boy or a girl. This time around though it's all girly girl. I really do plan to drown this nursery in pink. I can sense already it may be too much pink but its not stopping me.

Here is the crib I picked out along with the toddler bed.

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The ubiquitous brown eyed brunette

Ok, not my usual post but what the heck not like I have any new news on the adoption...

Apparently now all brunette women look like Sara Palin. Over the past few days I've heard a dozen times how I look like Palin. Yesterday I was in Chicago meeting with a "big time" private equity group (read as "all male and me") and one of the partners said to me, (and I quote), "I'm sure you get this all the time but you look just like Sara Palin". Are you kidding me no one even knew who she was two weeks ago! All the time, well I guess all this week! I do have similar coloring but I don't think anything more.

Then again maybe we brown eyed girls do look alike. I wonder if the republicans thought they were actually nominating another powerful and politically experienced brunette when they chose the Governor????

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Sorry to Disappoint...

After a very long weekend we have decided to stay the course and wait for a baby girl. We were considering the potential of expanding our "preferences" to include siblings. preschoolers/ toddlers and boys. This would have allowed us to travel very quickly. But after a whole lot of soul searching we had to decline. We have three amazing sons already. We came to international adoption not because we wanted simply to grow our family but because we wanted to add a daughter. Our hope is to adopt a healthy girl between 6-12 months old and we have reaffirmed this with our agency. We are still told to expect travel in Nov/Dec so hopefully it won't be too much longer anyway. If we do end up having to wait so be it so long as in the end we have our baby girl.

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No worries...no decisions either :(

Rut Row, I didn't mean to cause anyone else anxiety! I have absolutely no bad news from Kaz and there is no chance we are changing our minds about adopting from Kaz. We are still undecided and waiting on information and inspiration to make up our minds.

In a nutshell, we are reexamining our original thoughts about our adoption preferences (ie age, gender etc). After two years of planning and dreaming it's hard to switch gears even if quite possibly the change is better than the original plan.

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Baby Baby Let Me Sleep On It

Intriguing development on the adoption front, enough so that I have been up since 3:30 this morning, my mind racing with a mix of excitement and anxiety. I was supposed to be "sleeping on it", so much for that. I can't say much except that we are eternally grateful for the children we have today and for the opportunity we have to parent others....What do I keep reading from my fellow adoptive parents... It all happens the way it is supposed to...we all get the children we are meant to have. I do believe this is true.

"Pause...or nothing worthwhile will catch up to you"...this will be my mantra over the next few days.

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The Point of Return

http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/articles/2008/08/30/the_point_of_return/

This is an interesting article about Chinese adoptees who traveled back to work in the the orphanages where they were originally placed. More and more lately I have been wondering how my daughter will think about her birthplace and birth parents. I think I originally thought international adoption somewhat eliminated this issue. But then I had so many misguided and naive thoughts about adoption when we first choose this path nearly two years ago.

Now it seems obvious that our daughters will of course be curious about their birth beyond just where they were born but who their birth family is. This is natural and as an adoptive parent I think I have some responsibility to ensure that my children are able, the the extent possible, to know their heritage. I am researching ways I can support my children when the inevitable questions arise. I will certainly prepare a life book for them (I am sure much of this blog will become a part of it). I also wonder if there are measures I can take during the actual adoption that will provide the "trail of breadcrumbs" my daughters may someday need to trace their roots.

If anyone out their in the blogosphere has any advice on this topic I would be grateful to hear from you.

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