Will the disappointment ever end????

For the first time today I was ready to just give up on adoption. Next month will mark 2 years of adoption "journey". A journey that today seems cruel, random and completely without regard for the adoptive families. As I'm sure you can tell I was starting to believe we were about to meet our daughter in November. Well today I got an email from my agency (can you believe an email!?) saying basically;

• 1)no single baby girls available anytime soon 2)you won't be traveling anytime this year 3)we will let you know if/when things change

I actually teared up reading this. It seemed so cavalier like my catalog order was backlogged. I've asked for more information and hopefully it will come soon. I thought (and have been told) that the problem was getting through the Embassy but that the process after that was "business as usual". Not so it seems. I just don't understand the math. I mean if so many dossiers are being held up and big agencies are dropping out, why is there such a long wait once you are through the ministries? Seems like their should be a huge decline in the number of dossiers in country. Why send me to a region that doesn't have children that match my requests? If a child has to be on the registry for 6 months before available to international adoption then what happen since 2 months ago when I was told I would travel in November? Are these estimated travel time based on anything?

I wish I could trust this process but after 2 years and 2 unstable programs I am at the end of my rope. I don't want to give up, I can't. But this is so hard, not the waiting so much as the disappointment. I just need something I can hang on to, look forward to. I need my "due date" - everything else I can endure. Yesterday I was glad not to have swollen ankles but today I'm here to tell you PAPER PREGNANCY SUCKS.