I800 Approved

Finally, four moths after our referral we have our 1800 approval. We have been at a dead standstill since November 27th waiting for this approval so this is a big, big deal!


I was expecting it since I have been calling Nina our case officer almost daily this week to find out our status. Then today I got a call from the National Benefits Center. I was totally expecting to hear Nina on the other end telling me we were approved but instead I heard this; "this is an automated message from the National Benefits Center, our office is closed for the day. There will be no further approvals made this week." then silence. At least 30 seconds went by before I heard "Ha, just kidding Lori you are approved!" Talk about near death, but it was funny. Nina then went on to tell me how cute our daughter (we agree) is and told me she showed her off to all the girls in the office. How sweet is that? It makes me feel good to think there are people out there who get it. Let’s hope the next person who handles our travel approval paperwork is as caring (and efficient).

So, Woo Hoo one step closer!

And in case you wondered.....7-10 weeks...that's how much longer we likely have to wait before we travel to China. That's sometime between April 23rd and May 14th. Well Mother's Day is the 9th of May---a beautiful daughter would certainly make for the ultimate Mother's Day present!

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Pierced Ears!

Dart was out of town last Saturday so I made a covert trip to the mall to get Nina's ears pierced.  She was a total trooper.  She cried for 30 seconds and that was it.  I think they look pretty darned cute.  Dart on the otherhand just groaned when he saw them.  Apparently (in his over protective daddy mind) earrings are the gateway drug to boyfriends.

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The 24 Hour Woman

This is a bit of a tangent but I've had this conversation with a few friends and I am interested in your take. I believe this has been a unique time for women of our (my) generation. I truly believe we, the 40-something’s have blazed new trails and in many ways redefined motherhood. Unfortunately in doing so we created a culture of guilt that has been hard to escape.


If you were born before 1970 or so most of your mothers we're SAHM, cripes that wasn't even a term-it was redundant. In their generation moms stayed at home-that was the job description. It was a time when woman quit jobs when they got married, certainly by the time they were pregnant. A working mother was a near scandal in middle class America. In the sixties only about 12% of mothers worked outside the home. Most of these jobs were lower end factory or clerical jobs, very few women had high power/decision making positions.

By the time my generation entered the workforce in the 1980s the number of working mothers had increased to 57% and in the 90's hit a high of 59%. With the new regulations that called for equal pay, equal rights and greater access to education, many more of those women had important jobs paying substantial wages. By the 90's I think the SAHM vs WOHM battle was fully on with each group feeling the need to justify their choice to work or stay home.

In my opinion the tension between the two groups was caused by the new phenomena of the middle class woman working outside the home and the politics of that not yet being worked out. After all who did we have to show us the way? The truth is we all drank the Kool-Aid back then when we bought into the fiction that we could have it all. Do any of you remember the commercial with the sexy woman singing about being a  24 Hour Woman " I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never never let him forget he's a man" How exhausting is that?  That's really what we aspired to? (I mean I get it if you are a guy but women wanted this?) And yet, THAT was my role model. Talk about setting yourself up for a monumental failure. No working mother OR stay at home mother could live up to this. I think quite naturally our feelings of inadequacy caused us to turn on each other. In a frustrated, emotionally charged "logic" we (women) decide; if we couldn't do it all, we’re gonna damn well prove we're doing what’s best! Let the battle (and the anitdepressants) begin.

Beginning in the late 90's,  the numbers of working moms has actually decreased and there was a small movement of professional woman "opting out" to be SAHM's and yet another perspective was gained for mothers. Today about 55% of mothers work outside the home with many of us serving time in both camps at point or another. The debate is nearing an end (at least I think/hope it is). We battle weary 40-something’s having had enough war wounds to know there will never be a clear winner, are starting to gain a sense of acceptance. Most women no longer believe they can have it all. Compromise and trade off and BALANCE are the new reality.

AND YET (and this is the part I don't get), the old feelings of guilt hang on. I mean I am the CEO of a $50M company, my husband is the SAHD/homemaker so why do I stress if we have company and the house isn't Home & Garden's perfect or the meal isn't made from scratch with ingredietns from my organic garden...more accurately why do I feel judged by that rather than by my other accomplishments?

I think we are blazing the trail still. The two camps have for the most part come to a truce with one another but there is a final epic battle yet to be waged with our own egos. Somehow we need to free ourselves from our first models of motherhood (set by the baby boomers) and allow ourselves to enjoy our own chosen path, free from guilt or justification or competition with other women.

OK 40-something’s what’s your take? Do you still feel pressure to explain your choice to stay home, go to work, put your kid in preschool or day care, clean the house, call for take out, etc? Does your husband feel the same pressures?

How about the 30-something’s...is it any better for the Y generation?

PS: I'm really interested to know if your husbands feel any similar pressure to do it all? Based on conversations with my male friends I believe this is largely a girl on girl hate crime and that men are immune. Maybe they are judged on their pay check or golf swing or how big their girlfriend's boobs are, but SAHD vs WOHD, I don think so.

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Time Well Spent

I’ve decided I need to find a more productive way to spend the rest of the wait for Macy. A couple of weeks ago I broke down (finally believing that I was the mother of two girls) and started buying matching outfits for Macy and Nina. It didn’t take long for me to go way overboard and now I am officially out of room in their closet! The problem is buying stuff for Macy makes me feel closer to her and with all the delays I need some sort of connection. I realize how pathetic that sounds but it isn’t the first time I’ve used retail therapy as a serotonin booster and it probably wont be the last. Still, I am out of space so it might just be time for a more rationale (less temporal) distraction.

So what’s a mom in waiting to do when the mall is off limits? Take Chinese lessons of course! So last night I signed up for an online Mandarin course for adoptive parents. I am really impressed with the format of the program. I studied French for 8 years and I’m still not sure I could order a meal or ask for the rest room in a french restaurant. So it suffices to say I am not exactly gifted when it comes to new languages. Add to that my bereft exposure to Chinese (basically a half dozen episodes of Ni Hao Kai-Lan) and I was not initially optimistic.  After my first lesson though I feel very much encouraged that at least some basic communication will be possible.

My first lesson focused on a child’s basic needs thus I learned; I am thirsty, hungry, sick and I have to pee and poop. Since I know I’m not exactly a linguist I plan to study just one lesson per week with at least a once daily review. In an attempt at kinetic learning I've also printed out the phrases in the lesson and posted them around the house in places where they make sense, (ie "I need to pee and poop"- in bathroom, "I’m hungry"-on the fridge, "I’m sick"-on the medicine cabinet).

I know that there is a local dialect that I will have to contend with not to mention possible speech delays with Macy so it may turn out that I wont be able to use much with my daughter. It will however be a much needed distraction from the wait, a much less expensive strategy than better living through wardrobe building, and hey if we meet a random Mandarin speaking person who tells me they need to poop, I’m going to be ready!

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I'm Going to Throw Up

Dart just emailed. Our I800 was just returned because he missed a signature. 14 days to send it back for one stinking signature. I can't believe we missed it. I feel sick. It is going back out today. Add another 14 days to our time table. I think we're out to April 30.

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Five Big Steps Still Ahead of Us!

I just hung up with the National Benefits Center (again). I called one more time hoping to hear our I800 had been approved and cabled to China. Instead they told me my I800 still hasn't arrived in their office. It has been 14 days. Our agency estimated it would take 10 days (did they mean business days?), the NBC said 14 days (ummm that's today???) and the average as reported by other families is 19 days.


As a side note, it is interesting to me that everything the Chinese officials needed to do was completed ahead of schedule (10 days for a PA, 15 days for the LOA) but everything anyone in the US was responsible for has taken LONGER than expected, (Home Study Update 3.5 months, I800A 48 days and now the I800 14 days and counting!) Add your own commentary...

It's has been so long I am sure some need a process update. Goodness knows I struggle to keep it all straight. Here is what we still need...


1. We need the I800 approval. Hopefully this will happen any day now.

2. The I800 and I800a need to be reviewed and a Cable sent to the US Consulate in China. That typically happens within a few days after the I800 approval.

3. The US Consulate issues the Article 5 Letter to China which notifies them that we are at long last suitable adoptive parents for Macy. This could take as long as 6 weeks! However the average time at this point is about 14 days.

4. China issues TA/Travel Approval. Our agency estimates this at 2 weeks after the Article 5 Letter but the average right now is 20 days. Not sure at this point how CNY might affect this.

5. Departure for China. Our agency estimates this to be 3 weeks after the TA is received.

Based on other families who have recently traveled it looks like we are still 38 days away from our TA. Coincidently that puts us to March 26th for a TA, the very day we thought we would be boarding a plane. Based on this, I am revising my travel guesstimate to April 16th.

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My Big Fat Greek Vacation

Remember we went on that tour of the Med?  Well here is a little snipet of what a European vacation feels with 3 boys and a very active, barely 3 year old girl!

Check out Nina in Athens!

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Happy Valentines Day & Chinese New Year

This year Chinese New Year begins on February 14th, Valentine's Day a day Americans celebrate love.  Yeah that works. So we had a little party, made a toast to the Year of the Tiger and declared our love for one another and most especially for our dear daughter in China.

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Seven Weeks Until We Go To China!

This one is for Susan Serra...

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Just What the Doctor Ordered

Within hours of my last (not so upbeat) post I got an email with these photos. Talk about making my day a whole lot better! 

The gorgeous little boy you see is Anton. He was in the same Ust-Kamenogorsk baby house as Nina.  We were in Kazakhstan at the same time as Anton's Mom and Dad and they have become dear friends to us. Today Anton's Mom had her computer open to my blog and was reading my pity post when as if he knew we were in a sad place, Antone picked up the Valentine/CNY card we sent them and he started kissing Macy's picture.  How sweet is that?

Mamh, right back at you Anton, you're a big teddy bear (just like your Daddy) and you have a heart of gold (like your Mommy)! Happy Valentine's Day little lover.

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I'm in the Self Pity Phase of Our Adoption....

Last night I heard from Ann at Red Thread and learned she wasn't able to get new pictures of Macy. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, sucker punched would be a more apt description of how I felt reading that email. The photos are one of the best parts (for me) about using Ann's service. I have been checking my email every morning since we sent Macy's New Year's gifts hoping to see a picture of my darling girl wearing her new clothes and necklace but it’s not going to happen.

Then just now I called the National Benefits Center hoping for an update on our I800. The answer I got was, "we don't have it yet". What???? Once again I spoke with Nina and she told me not to worry that it would get to her in the next day or so. She then promised to call me once she got it, also she promised to process it as soon as it hit her desk. She is sweet but darn it, I wanted to hear we were already on our way to China.

So two disappointments in less than 12 hours. The wait is really wearing me down. There isn't anything I can do but continue to wait. At this point (really throughout) it is out of my hands. I have to lean on faith, friends, family and hang on as long a it takes. But I think about Macy all the time. I feel an almost desperate need to connect with her. After more than 3 years of waiting; first in China, then in Kazakhstan, then China again, I am tired of it. I don't like this feeling anymore. The initial excitement and sense of adventure has long ago faded. Now all I feel is loss and a yearning to hold my daughter. If there is anything that would deter me from adopting again it is that I don't want to live in this place anymore. I want the wait to be over already. I want my daughter to be home, NOW.

I know all of my adoptive parent friends get it. We have all been there and yes I know it will all be worth the wait, (blah blah blah), but honestly why does it have to take so long? Why are children allowed to languish as if another month or six months or a year make no difference. If I step outside my own self pity I can acknowledge the complexity of the system. I realize there is nothing simple here nor should the process of placing a child with a family half way around the world be taken lightly. I’m just saying it could, with the right amount of resource and commitment, happen much faster.

Deep breath in.... and out...adoption Lamaze (again)....  I have a daughter in China.  She is beautiful.  I have a daughter from Kazakhstan.  She is beautiful.  I have three gorgeous sons and a husband who loves me.  I have nothing worth complaining about and this too shall pass.

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Twice As Nice (aka: something to do while I wait!)

Well what used to be the Queen Bea's Room is going to be transformed to the "girl's" bedroom. Eeee gads that' right they are going to share a bedroom! I shared a room with my two sisters and never really thought much about it. All three of us were in that room together until I went to college, (looking back this might explain some of my fascination with the Brady Bunch, but I digress) bottom line we survived. I don't think many kids share rooms these days, at least not in our neighborhood. Most don't even share a bathroom (sorry girls you'll be sharing that too!). Cripes when I grew up we had one bathroom for the whole family. Perhaps Mike Brady designed our house??


So for the second time in a little over a year I am decorating a girl's bedroom. I picked up a set of vintage twin beds with faux bamboo details before I even knew we were going to adopt two girls. I am having them refinished and hand painted. As soon as they are ready I will transform the room from one toddler occupancy to two. I picked up most of the bedding today (a few things will be shipped later). As you can see we are staying with a whole lot of pink! I will post the pics of the completed room as soon as we are finished. I think it's going to be twice as nice as the last room!

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Snow Day

Today Nolan was looking at my blog and he said "wow Nina is like soooooo 2009...Macy has taken over your blog".  Hmmm.  So anywhooooo,  here are a few photos of my little Russian snow queen...

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Finding Ad

Today in the mail I had a wonderful little surprise, Macy's Chinese "Finding Ad". 

Since 1999 when a child is found abandoned in China the orphanages have been required to publish an Orphan Announcement in the provincial newspaper.  Often called a Finding Ad the paper lists all of the children that have been "found" and are in the care of the orphanage.  The ad must run for at least three days and generally contain information about where the child was found, the date the child was found along with the child's estimated date of birth.

We are in receipt of the the actual newspaper from December 8, 2007 when Macy's Finding Ad was published. The paper is the "Guizhou City Daily" and on that day there were eight beautiful children listed.  (also there are photos of George Bush, Kanye West, Pamela Anderson and Santa!)

Macy's ad has been translated as follows;

Fu Li Ping

A girl

She was born on July 25,2006 (she had surgery done already)

On August 25, 2006, she was found at Pingdong Square by the Pingdong Police Station, Xingyi city.

While this is a part of Macy's history at least one of the facts is incorrect.  She was not born on July 25.  We know this because her first foster mother told us that they took custody of Macy on August 25th at 9 am.  At that time she was clearly a newborn with her umbilical cord attached.  Her correct birthday then is August 24, 2006. 

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Eight Weeks Until We Go To China!

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Riverbend Sisters

This is Ust Kamenogorsk Kazakhstan where we met Nina...

And this is Guiyang China where we will meet Macy

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Rumor Queen

Hey we made it to the big time!!! Our blog was listed on Rumor Queen ,(aka China Adopt Talk) under the monthly "Babies" post. That's where the families with new referrals are listed and after 39 months of waiting it's finally our turn!!!  Ahhh funny the little milestones we celebrate along the way.  Of course I can't be the only one marking time on Rumor Queen because since we were listed yesterday this blog has has more than 1,500 hits. Ni Hao new friends!


BTW our I800 has left the building...it should arrive in Texas tomorrow.  Lets hope it hits the desk of a case worker who is hyper efficient, not back logged, super heathy and without vacation plans (bathroom breaks optional), we would love to get our cable in record time!

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