The 24 Hour Woman

This is a bit of a tangent but I've had this conversation with a few friends and I am interested in your take. I believe this has been a unique time for women of our (my) generation. I truly believe we, the 40-something’s have blazed new trails and in many ways redefined motherhood. Unfortunately in doing so we created a culture of guilt that has been hard to escape.


If you were born before 1970 or so most of your mothers we're SAHM, cripes that wasn't even a term-it was redundant. In their generation moms stayed at home-that was the job description. It was a time when woman quit jobs when they got married, certainly by the time they were pregnant. A working mother was a near scandal in middle class America. In the sixties only about 12% of mothers worked outside the home. Most of these jobs were lower end factory or clerical jobs, very few women had high power/decision making positions.

By the time my generation entered the workforce in the 1980s the number of working mothers had increased to 57% and in the 90's hit a high of 59%. With the new regulations that called for equal pay, equal rights and greater access to education, many more of those women had important jobs paying substantial wages. By the 90's I think the SAHM vs WOHM battle was fully on with each group feeling the need to justify their choice to work or stay home.

In my opinion the tension between the two groups was caused by the new phenomena of the middle class woman working outside the home and the politics of that not yet being worked out. After all who did we have to show us the way? The truth is we all drank the Kool-Aid back then when we bought into the fiction that we could have it all. Do any of you remember the commercial with the sexy woman singing about being a  24 Hour Woman " I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never never let him forget he's a man" How exhausting is that?  That's really what we aspired to? (I mean I get it if you are a guy but women wanted this?) And yet, THAT was my role model. Talk about setting yourself up for a monumental failure. No working mother OR stay at home mother could live up to this. I think quite naturally our feelings of inadequacy caused us to turn on each other. In a frustrated, emotionally charged "logic" we (women) decide; if we couldn't do it all, we’re gonna damn well prove we're doing what’s best! Let the battle (and the anitdepressants) begin.

Beginning in the late 90's,  the numbers of working moms has actually decreased and there was a small movement of professional woman "opting out" to be SAHM's and yet another perspective was gained for mothers. Today about 55% of mothers work outside the home with many of us serving time in both camps at point or another. The debate is nearing an end (at least I think/hope it is). We battle weary 40-something’s having had enough war wounds to know there will never be a clear winner, are starting to gain a sense of acceptance. Most women no longer believe they can have it all. Compromise and trade off and BALANCE are the new reality.

AND YET (and this is the part I don't get), the old feelings of guilt hang on. I mean I am the CEO of a $50M company, my husband is the SAHD/homemaker so why do I stress if we have company and the house isn't Home & Garden's perfect or the meal isn't made from scratch with ingredietns from my organic garden...more accurately why do I feel judged by that rather than by my other accomplishments?

I think we are blazing the trail still. The two camps have for the most part come to a truce with one another but there is a final epic battle yet to be waged with our own egos. Somehow we need to free ourselves from our first models of motherhood (set by the baby boomers) and allow ourselves to enjoy our own chosen path, free from guilt or justification or competition with other women.

OK 40-something’s what’s your take? Do you still feel pressure to explain your choice to stay home, go to work, put your kid in preschool or day care, clean the house, call for take out, etc? Does your husband feel the same pressures?

How about the 30-something’s...is it any better for the Y generation?

PS: I'm really interested to know if your husbands feel any similar pressure to do it all? Based on conversations with my male friends I believe this is largely a girl on girl hate crime and that men are immune. Maybe they are judged on their pay check or golf swing or how big their girlfriend's boobs are, but SAHD vs WOHD, I don think so.