I'm in the Self Pity Phase of Our Adoption....

Last night I heard from Ann at Red Thread and learned she wasn't able to get new pictures of Macy. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, sucker punched would be a more apt description of how I felt reading that email. The photos are one of the best parts (for me) about using Ann's service. I have been checking my email every morning since we sent Macy's New Year's gifts hoping to see a picture of my darling girl wearing her new clothes and necklace but it’s not going to happen.

Then just now I called the National Benefits Center hoping for an update on our I800. The answer I got was, "we don't have it yet". What???? Once again I spoke with Nina and she told me not to worry that it would get to her in the next day or so. She then promised to call me once she got it, also she promised to process it as soon as it hit her desk. She is sweet but darn it, I wanted to hear we were already on our way to China.

So two disappointments in less than 12 hours. The wait is really wearing me down. There isn't anything I can do but continue to wait. At this point (really throughout) it is out of my hands. I have to lean on faith, friends, family and hang on as long a it takes. But I think about Macy all the time. I feel an almost desperate need to connect with her. After more than 3 years of waiting; first in China, then in Kazakhstan, then China again, I am tired of it. I don't like this feeling anymore. The initial excitement and sense of adventure has long ago faded. Now all I feel is loss and a yearning to hold my daughter. If there is anything that would deter me from adopting again it is that I don't want to live in this place anymore. I want the wait to be over already. I want my daughter to be home, NOW.

I know all of my adoptive parent friends get it. We have all been there and yes I know it will all be worth the wait, (blah blah blah), but honestly why does it have to take so long? Why are children allowed to languish as if another month or six months or a year make no difference. If I step outside my own self pity I can acknowledge the complexity of the system. I realize there is nothing simple here nor should the process of placing a child with a family half way around the world be taken lightly. I’m just saying it could, with the right amount of resource and commitment, happen much faster.

Deep breath in.... and out...adoption Lamaze (again)....  I have a daughter in China.  She is beautiful.  I have a daughter from Kazakhstan.  She is beautiful.  I have three gorgeous sons and a husband who loves me.  I have nothing worth complaining about and this too shall pass.