Papa Guido

With the hit the ground running today. 

We started the day (it’s Sunday) by attending a Kazakh Christian church service. We had a translator with us so we could understand what was being said but honestly the service itself was so similar to the services back home it was pretty easy to understand the rhythm of things. Once again I found myself more impressed by the similarities with home than the differences.

That was the easy part of the day....

Later that afternoon we visited the first orphanage, ARK Village.

ARK Village just on the outskirts of Almaty is affectionately know as Papa Guido’s.   Papa Guido is a Catholic priest from Italy who is at the center of this exceptional orphanage caring for more than 60 children.  ARK Village is located in the tired remains of a old summer camp, receives no funding or support from the Kazakhstan government but with the help of local and Italian sponsors Papa Guido has managed to renovate the camp into a year round home for “his” children. 

The kids are there as a result of being transferred there from other orphanages while others are found and rescued from life on the street.  We met one pair of darling brothers in fact that Papa Guido said were found about a year ago “living with dogs”, they were about 6 and 7. Can you even imagine?   Those boys like most of the children living at ARK Village are not available for adoption; they are either social orphans who parents  are unable or unwilling to care for them or they simply don't have any papers that would allow them to be properly prepared for adoption. 

It’s an unfair reality for these children who are stuck in circumstances so far beyond their control it sickens (or should sicken) any mother’s heart.  They have no chance of ever being part of a family.  They will never know the love of a mother and father of their own. 

BUT they do have a Papa...by the grace of God they do have Papa Guido.

ARK Village is a place that all at once breaks your heart and feeds your soul all.  And Papa Guido is a humble soft-spoken man who inspires 60 amazing resilient and beautiful kids in Kazakhstan (along with eight jet lagged missionaries from the US) with his selfless commitment, generosity and love.

 (Internet is slow-big surprises huh? More photos from today on facebook & Here are a few more)

Blessings from Almaty Kazakhstan, Lori

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Laying over in Frankfurt

Well I survived my first eight hour flight IN ECONOMY PLUS.  (Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I'm a bit of a princess.)

Got to say I was pretty worried about the flight and the DVTs but it wasn't nearly as awful as I thought. 

See I can rough it, (sorta).

Our next flight I'm told will be even cozier. 

But I'm gearing up with my team with some good German beer and Ambien at the ready.

See you next in Almaty!

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Paper Pregnancy...we're not all glowing

Many of you seemed stunned that there was any controversy surrounding the term "paper pregnancy". If you stick to mostly adoptive parent blog fare you won't find much thought given to it BUT venture out to adoptee and first family land and you'll eventually stumble into some ugliness. 

Here's what SOME (excerpts from multiple sources) on the world wide web think about “Paper Pregnant” (seriously, I don't can't make this stuff up);



“It's stupid adoption language. The truth is: They are PARENTS (not pregnant)..."on paper". It's not that they are not one of the "real" parents or valuable or loving...but it is a legal transaction. I am an adoptive parent and I think the term is puke-worthy (that's why I keep a puke bucket near my computer). Hence...the need to fix the problems with the other piece of paper that matters. The original birth certificate. For whatever reason...adoptive parents are not having children through their own pregnancy. THERE IS NO PREGNANT part to their journey. Gee...give the first moms a crumb is what I say! It's sick that some people want to usurp that one beautiful thing from the women who make the sacrifices for them. So I guess...paper pregnant must mean the adoptive parents gestated in their heart because that's where the child was born from right?”

“I think if someone is calling themselves paper pregnant that they need a therapist to deal with unresolved infertility issues. It seems to me that they have not dealt with the fact that they can't for whatever reason be pregnant. Pregnant is pregnant. It means carrying a baby in your uterus, not waiting for something.”

“It's just baby talk, I couldn't be bothered to notice or be offended by that. silly fanciful imaginations. Bless their hearts, they'll have to punch out of a giant paper bag to get at their new babies. I think they've gotten a toxic dose of the cutie buttons, from too many sweet blogs, too much time on their hands, waiting to become mommies. I wonder if they fix their episiotomies with scotch tape?”

“Barf. Anything to make it all feel "real". Just another way of trying to experience something they will never actually experience. Whatever.”

“Adoption is not the new pregnant. For there to be an adoption someone has to be pregnant you insensitive shit! Babies don’t just magically appear in social workers arms. There aren’t little girls dreaming of growing up to have their kids adopted by assholes wearing these shirts. There is a very real woman involved. A woman that has carried a child and kept that child safe. A woman who risked her life bring that child into this world. A woman who’s heart is going to break if she loses her child to adoption. A woman who’s life will be forever changed and will feel the pain of separation until she dies. But who gives a fuck about her right? Adoption is the new pregnant! And while I am offending people I have to say …… YOU ARE NOT PAPER PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am sorry if you can not have a child. I truly am but pretending will not change it. Adoption and pregnancy are not the same. Not amount of dumbass phrases will make them the same. Adoption and birth are very different. People need to stop pretending they aren’t. Signing a paper to adopt makes you no more pregnant than my big toe. I’m sorry but that is reality. No woman has ever died from complications during paper signing. Downplaying the vital and dangerous realities of pregnancy are demeaning to all mothers. Adoptive mothers might be researching and learning things but it is very very different. Why not just embrace those differences instead of pretending its the same?”

“This smacks of the 'entitled' adoptive parent, one who believes it's perfectly ok to buy someone else's baby if nature doesn't play nicely. The bio mother is seen as little more than an incubator and, once the paperwork's signed, an inconvenient piece of history.”

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Officially PAPER Pregnant!

After almost 5 months we are finally DTC!

Which makes us paper pregnant.

Yea that's right I said PAPER PREGNANT.

Heck, I even wore the t-shirt!





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Acute Attention Deficit Disorder.

Once again I’m in that overwhelmed-by-life place. 

My thoughts are all over the map. Focus is near impossible.  Writing, blogging, whatever the heck you call this thing that I’m doing here, requires me to be able to pick a thought and hang onto it long enough to toss out a couple of sentences and THAT is definitely NOT happening.

Not this week.

Because in FOUR days I go to Kazakhstan and I haven’t packed a thing.  Like for reals.  NOTHING. I mean I'm trying. I  keep starting, ok thinking about starting, but then I’m distracted. 

I may have an acute attention deficit disorder.

But I've done this before and sometime between Thursday night and early morning Friday I'll get it together.

And then, when I finally do get on the plane (and rest assured I will) maybe then I can write about the things swarming my brain;

Like…this stupid article being passed around blog world criticizing mission trips. (How about that for great timing?)  It actually suggests that by meeting the orphans on our mission trip and then leaving shortly thereafter WE (horrible missionary types) cause attachment disorders in the kids!  Yes far better to leave them to bang their heads against the wall for stimulation. Wouldn't want to confuse them by injecting a little warmth into their lives. Oh yeah, and apparently missionaries are taking away jobs from the local people (who would otherwise be beating the doors down to take care of these kids)…funny though I sure don’t remember shoving past those people when we were in China nor do I recall seeing them during the  month I spent in an orphanage in Kazakhstan.  The weird thing is what I remember was one caregiver for 16 hungry kids....kids who had bleeding diaper rashes from sitting in their own filth for hours at a time. ) What a load of bunk.   I’m convinced there are just some people ready to bitch about anything, everything, especially something that suits their agenda.  How about global warming, unemployment, JKF are we self-serving adopto-raptor Christians responsible for that too? (Don’t bother I already know your answer…and I’m bored.)

Like… how “the activists” get all nasty and nuts about AP’s who use terms like “paper pregnant” suggesting it is some sort of insult towards biological mothers or something absurd like that. Newsflash we are celebrating our adoptions and the children we adopt with a cute lighthearted saying.  Lighten up it’s not a manifesto and it's not about you, it’s a freakin t-shirt.  (Again to the hordes of AP haters most of whom are apparently named "Anon"…save it, I’m not in the mood.  I didn’t argue with you when I read this baloney on your blog did I?)

Like…BEING paper pregnant…we are almost DTC. Almost.  Last week we did this crazy road trip to get all of our documents stamped and approved and whatever.  I thought we could make it fun but I'm basically burned out on dossier prep. .. still I think I’m going to wear my “paper pregnant” t-shirt tomorrow.

Like…the new picture I got last week of my beautiful Butterfly, (sigh).  The pictures are all so bittersweet.   They were sent to me on Facebook  by someone I don’t know .  Actually I was just tagged in the picture and I really have no idea who she is other than a darling woman who (thank God) is willing to share a little love with orphans.  In one of the photos my baby girl is giving kisses to her.  It was so sweet but it made me incredibly sad.  I want those kisses.  Now.  I am just depressed about this wait. 

As hard as it is to not be with her...I'm glad someone is. Thank you

So there you go overwhelmed, cranky, defensive and depressed.  One  hell of a prize aint I?

Sorry to be such a downer.  I'm hoping and praying to get my brain together over the next four days. 

And I will.  Because I know one of the many great things about these trips is the clarity they offer.  No matter how wrapped up in my own dysfunction I am,  I know it will all fall away when I walk through those orphanage doors and I get a supercharged dose of perspective.

Just hope I don’t have to fight too many locals to get in.

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Princess Party

The Bug chose to wear an aqua and pink, Oh La La Couture #5 dress, pink stripped over the knee socks, fur and rhinestone leg warmers and pink glitter converse sneakers.  She was accessorized by her cupcake necklace and pink and blue hair extension. (Still looking for a picture that shows the whole crazy ensemble. Teen years are going to fun with this little fasionista!)

The Ladybug had her 5th birthday party on Saturday, a princess party of course!  We set a pretty high bar last year with her Lady Bug Picnic, "4"EVER party but I think we did ok.  No complaints from our little princess anyway.

We had the party at a little shop called Bear on the Square. It was cute.  And totally chaotic. After two and half hours of partying I needed a nap....most of the kids too!

The bug and her princess friends dressed in gowns and had glitter makeovers.  They made  their own glitter lip gloss.

There was a coronation where each princess was presented with her own tiara and scepter.  They learned to curtsy....sort of.

Once they were all crowned up they each got to choose and build a bear (or pink unicorn or pink pig or pink cat or whatever) and then dress it in a pink princess gown. There was a lot of pink.

Finally there was a princess parade followed by tea and cookies and cupcakes.

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Shameless Request for Votes

Please click the brown box below to vote 




Keeping this blog in the #1 spot helps me to reach the highest number of potential parents for the kids I advocate for. It also (I hope) shares a positive view of adoption and educates other mom's outside the adoption community about adoptive family issues.

Please vote.

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Praying for Safe Travel...and an Upgrade...or a Coma

One week until I leave for Kazakhstan to love on orphans and those who care for them. 

One week until Team 2Hearts2Taraz delivers hundreds of pounds of medical equipment and clothes and new beds and teddy bears. 

One week until we repaint bedrooms and make up an orphanage full of tiny little beds. 

One week until I return for the first time to the place that started me along this amazing adoption/advocacy  journey....the place my beautiful daughter was born.

One week.

And all I can think about is...

How the hell am I going to survive 24 hours of travel in COACH?

Call me spoiled, I'll answer to it. Guilty. Admitted.  No argument what so ever. I'm not ashamed to embrace the shallow truth that I fully appreciate the merits of the lay flat seat!

I hear you tisk, tisking me.  I know you're judging.  So be it, because at 45 I am way too freakin' old to pretend I'm some sort of college kid eager to backpack though Asia and bunk down in the youth hostel. (Been there, done that, didn't really dig it)  At this stage in the game I need to think in terms of preservation by any means possible, including seat upgrades.

This is not about luxury people. This is about survival and me being OLD. My bones creak and my muscles ache.  I have a heated aromatherapy neck wrap on right now.  Seriously, no joke, I'm a mess.

I don't want to be a martyr or anything (ok well whatever) but as far as I'm concerned I'm risking my very life to go to Kaz under these UNHOLY conditions....as evidenced by my doctor's suggestion that I pack these:

Again, I'm serious. Deadly serious.

So let's all pray one more time that I survive these painful, grueling, bordering on torturous and potentially life threatening flights (fingers play tiny violin). 

More specifically, please everyone, pray that I am upgraded to first class...for the sake of the children, (checks for lightening bolts).

And if that's too much, please pray that my ambien and red wine cocktail puts me into a temporary coma until it's time to get off the plane, (winks, only half kidding).
  

Loyal blog readers may donate their frequent flyer miles and/or flight upgrade coupons to

 The Wimpy Missionary c/o Put Your Big Girl Travel Pants On, Whiner Town, USA

alternatively you may vote for me by clicking the brown bar below.

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A Child's Legacy

This is a re-post of a great entry written by Cindy LaJoy over at LAJOY FAMILY: The Family that God Built.  It's about one of the littlest victims of Kyrgyzstan closure to foreign adoption.  Cindy is an adoptive mom from Colorado with five children (gotta love that).  Four of her children were adopted from Kazakhstan and one was adopted from Kyrgyzstan. Cindy is also a home school mom and an aspiring licensed lay minister with the United Church of Christ.

***********************

It has been a long while since I posted much about adoptions in Kyrgyzstan.  Sadly, it has been because there has been no movement at all, and 60+ children who were previously matched with adoptive parents are still waiting to join their waiting families.  Three years and counting, and children suffer the consequences of a government's inability to function efficiently.  They also suffer due to the misguided and irrational logic of organizations whose opinions reflect their utter lack of understanding of the incredible harm that comes from years of institutionalization.

Even more shocking is that these children, many of whom have multiple medical issues that need immediate attention, pay the ultimate price for adults who can't place their welfare first.  They will never have the chance to have the kind of life they could have had should intervention have come quickly and early on in their lives.

And some of them die.

There is no dramatic intention there, it is truth.  Let me share just one story...

Suzanne Bilyeu is an ordinary wife, mother and pediatrician who was faced with unfathomable choices that would tear out the heart of any human being.  She and her husband tackled the paperwork, and were matched with a child, a beautiful little girl named Altynai whom they had planned to name Addison.  When Altynai was a tiny 3 month old baby, they traveled to Kyrgyzstan to meet her as part of the adoption process, expecting to return 2-3 months late to bring their daughter home.  Upon returning home, Altynai experienced her first illness, and within a month their court date for adoption finalization was cancelled as the adoption process ground to a halt when adoptions in Kyrgyzstan were "temporarily" halted.

As the family waited and months passed, it became increasingly obvious that little Altynai's physical condition was rapidly growing worse.  Measurements indicated that she had  hydrocephalus, and her head circumference continued to increase as fluid pressed on her brain, causing unknown pain...and untold damage.

At 13 months old and due to the extraordinary advocacy work on the part of her Mom, a visiting medical team performed the life saving surgery that would provide Altynai with a fighting chance.  I call Suzanne Altynai's Mom because I know what it is like to be separated from your children for years at a time, knowing in your heart that God has already matched you and no court on earth can ever change that.  We moms, whether legally recognized or not, will do all that is humanly possible for our children, whether they reside with us or not.

Unfortunately, by the age of 16 months, it was clear that the surgery was not going to yield the hoped for results, and the decline in Altynai's health left her able to barely lift her head, and with vision and hearing loss.  Her parents and so many other waiting parents worked tirelessly (and still do) to convince the Kyrgyz government to free their children to come home to the loving families that awaited them. 
 
At 28 months old, Altynai's condition worsened to the point that she once again had emergency surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain. It came too late, and a month later, a much loved little girl died in the arms of an orphanage caretaker.  Altynai would never have the chance to giggle while being tickled by her Mommy and Daddy, she would never hear the words "I love you" whispered softly in her ear, she would never be able to walk and talk, ride a bike or throw a ball.  Her life was cut short, and it was 100% avoidable.
 

I was blessed to have a few phone conversations with Suzanne as she worked through the emotions of this heart wrenching situation.  I was able to see the heart of a Mom, one who was powerless to help her daughter who was so far away and in distress.  I could do nothing more than lend a compassionate ear and  murmur a few words of encouragement as we both recognized the hopelessness of the situation. 

 

Suzanne handled it all with far more grace than I ever could have.

 

That grace now extends towards the families who continue to wait...families whose lives have understandably changed over the past 3 years, whose financial situations have possibly been affected by the economy as well as the ongoing efforts to bring their waiting children home.  Suzanne contacted me and shared a little about her plans to raise funds for the remaining waiting families, so that their adoptions could be finalized should Kyrgyzstan release them, and that financial need would not stand in the way.  She established a fund as a lasting legacy to the life of Altynai...the child whose own government and legal guardian completely ignored.  Please check out her web page at:  http://www.altynailegacyfund.blogspot.com/  .  There you will read just a handful of stories about some of the other waiting families, you will see the faces of the children they long to bring home.  If you are so moved, please donate to this cause....you will be helping families whose Herculean efforts to bring their children home are inspiring.

 

You will also help Suzanne to know that Altynai's life was of value, that she was not some anonymous orphan who died a silent death and will forever remain unrecognized. 

 

Remember Altynai...

 

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Good, Better, Bestest Ever

Good News...

We received our CIS approval yesterday in yesterday’s mail.  My husband is heading to the Secretary of State’s Office this morning to get everything notarized and certified and otherwise authenticated.  We expect he will be back in time to fed ex our package to a courier in DC so we can have our documents expedited (ie we are paying extra money to save a few processing days because I am completely paranoid about this Oct 1 deadline that my agency says I'm definitely going to make but I'm still not sure cause what if I need to be LID and not just DTC because I cannot go through another home study with a new social worker because it might put me over the freakin edge if I do, never mind that it would delay the Butterfly homecoming by another few months which would absolutely positively send me to crazytown).  I’m hoping we will be DTC before I leave for Kazakhstan on the 23rd.


Better News...

Speaking of Kazakhstan, I have a friend who is working with a group to accredit US agencies who conduct adoptions in Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan.  According to her we may see these two countries reopen their doors to foreign adoption “very soon”, maybe even by the end of this year.  I remain cautiously optimistic about the time line.  There are so many families and kids who were left in limbo (some for years) while this process has been been reconfigured and (hopefully) improved. 

I've heard rumors that the bonding period may be extended but that is not confirmed. One thing we know is these countries will now require Hague compliant adoptions and inclusion criteria will be very restrictive for the agencies permitted to place children. 

Which leaves SO MANY unanswered questions for those caught between the cracks...


Bestest News EVER


Remember Molly, the little girl that brought us back to adoption?  The one who inspired me to try my hand at advocating for orphans.  The only I fell hopelessly in love with.

Well she met her family today.

She's the first of the Five of My Own kids to come home!

By the way did I ever tell you... that her new mom’s name is Lori.

And her new Dad’s name is Doug (which is my hubs given name)

And they have 3 bio kids.

And two adopted kiddos.

And Molly is their 6th child.

do do... do do.

Cool huh? Beyond.

(Of course **smile** the similarities all fall apart once you know they are from Branson!)

Seriously I couldn’t be happier for all of them even if it is just a tiny bit bittersweet for me.  I understand now that “Molly” was used to lead me where I am today; advocating, more prayerful and about to become Butterfly's mama.

And I know she found the perfect mommy for her.

I will always love Molly.

hey ya'll I really need you to click this brown bar. 

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Soon her chances for a family will be gone forever

I have a really darling girl for you to meet today. One who needs a very special family to come forward SOON. 

This is Blossom...pigtails, dimples and an ever present smile.  She’s absolutely adorable and spunky as all get out and I have it on good authority that she has a sweet personality to go with that cute smile.

Blossom is an orphan living in China.

In China a child can not be adopted past their 14th birthday. 

And Blossom will turn 14.... in just 9 months and 9 days!

Worse yet there was a mistake made in her paperwork in China so she is still waiting to even be placed on the shared list, (making her officially available for adoption).

Blossom is in a desperate and difficult situation.  If she doesn’t get on the shared list and find her family within the next few weeks her chances for a family will be gone forever.

I can’t predict this for sure but my best guess is the family for Blossom has to already have immigration approval to adopt a SN child up to age 14. After that the stars need to align and China has to put her on the shared list so that family can match with her.   

An LOI needs to be filed very VERY soon, if she is to have a chance.

In short, it’s going to take a miracle.

But it wont the first one I’ve witnessed.

I still need to get some more specifics but here is what I know about Blossom’s medical condition. 

She is listed as having spina bifida. One leg has been amputated below the knee.  She is currently in a wheel chair and it is unknown if she is a candidate for a prosthetic or not. Her upper body strength and sitting posture seem very good.  She was recently moved from her very poor orphanage where she did not even have a wheel chair instead she was forced to get around by scooting on a riding toy.  Unfortunately she also never received any formal schooling.  She was however taught some things by a nanny and seems to be very bright and able to learn. She is in school now.

Big deep breathe in.  Yes its a lot to take in BUT medical needs do NOT define this child.  She is so much more...she has so much more potential than that.

Blossom hasn’t had many breaks in her short life; born with spina bifida, orphaned, leg amputated, and no schooling and yet she’s still smiles. By some incredible amount of personal strength, resilience and God’s grace Blossom is filled with an enduring ability to love. Can you even imagine the kind of amazing character this takes?

As a man I know and love recently said,” Blossom is an incredible kid...she is everything you would ever want in a daughter.  She would make a great big sister.”

If you are interested in adopting Blossom please contact me at fiveofmyown.blogspot.com.  I am in direct communication with her “foster family” and can notify you as soon as her paperwork is approved.

SPECIAL REQUEST...TIME IS CRITICAL...PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ABOUT BLOSSOM WITH ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT BE IN A POSITION TO ADOPT HER.

AND AS ALWAYS, PRAY.

Vote Daily Please.

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Court allows LB to keep her real birth date!

On Friday we went to the County Courthouse for a hearing to establish Ladybug’s legal birth date.  It was actually Family Court, the “happy court” we were told, but it still felt serious.

After passing through medical detectors and armed guards we were directed to “our” court room which was small, worn and official looking.  There was nothing there that said “happy”, at least in my estimation. The focus of the room was the over sized judge's bench flanked by the US and OH flags.  I started to wonder who would sit there but my answer came just a moment later.  The magistrate who would  hear our petition turned out to be a young woman, perhaps in her thirties, who gave off a big-time “mom” vibe. (I would lay money that she drove to work in a minivan.) Yea for us! Immediately I felt she would be empathetic.

We decided I would be the one to give testimony (which really means when our lawyer asked me and my husband which of us should testify I’m pretty sure my husband put one finger to his nose and pointed another at me and said “not me”...or something to that effect...sigh...yes, perhaps this was for the best.)

I swore my oath to tell the truth and my lawyer prompted me to tell our story.  I explained that Ladybug was found on August **th and  how the police immediately brought her to the orphanage at 9am that morning.  I told them how an American missionary family was walking up the orphanage drive just as the police car was leaving.  I explained that this family cared for her over the next six months and they kept a journal of her time there.  I read excerpts from the journal that described Ladybug as a newborn with a fresh umbilical cord. I explained how the foster mother had 9 biological children and would be capable of knowing the difference between a newborn and a one month old. And I explained how unlikely it would be for a Chinese birth family to keep a child with a severe cleft for a month before abandoning the child.

Then I said;

“My daughter has lost everything related to her birth; her first family, her country, her language, her food, her customs, her history. Her real date of birth is the last thing she has that ties her there. That day is hers and it is the one thing I can help her to keep.”


“And I know one month doesn’t seem like a huge difference but I would challenge any mother, if your child’s birth certificate contained an error amounting to just one day off, wouldn’t you try to have it corrected?” 

I saw the judge nod her head in agreement and I knew she got it.


And so our petition was granted The Ladybug got to keep her real birthday.

But it turns out the judge was not only swayed by our emotional pleas. 

We had unique evidence to support our case and more importantly we had not used her wrong birth date on any US documents. All of her school and medical records have the right date AND we very intentionally have not applied for a SS# or passport or even claimed her on our tax returns to make sure the wrong birth date didn’t get into “the system”.  And, it turns out THAT was likely the reason she approved our request.

Both the judge and our attorney gave us stern warnings about the possibility of problems later on with Homeland Security and other government agencies stemming from the differing birth dates.  The judge began her warning with saying "Since 9/11...." (long long sigh)

Of course we were already aware of this, (and frustrated beyond all get out that this sort of crap goes on), but we had decided early on that it was important enough to risk the consequences. In the worst case we figure we travel internationally enough that any problems will be unearthed while Ladybug is still a child which will give us time to work them out.  The last thing we wanted was to dump this issue on her when she is an adult.

And while I'm glad the right thing was done in our case it scares the pudding out of me that correcting an error has to be a court proceeding and come with a risk of future problems with Homeland Security.

It's a pretty good indication that things are out of control when it's this hard to do the right thing...and a pretty simple thing at that.

Vote Daily Please.

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I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

Many of you have followed me since I adopted The Bee from Kazakhstan.  Back then I wrote a blog called Treasures of the Silk Road.  It was our adoption journal.  When I wrote that blog I was always careful, AWARE, maybe even a little bit paranoid that someone who could effect the outcome of our adoption was reading it.  So I was cautious and politically correct and in the course stilted and illusive.

When the time came for us to actually travel to Kazakhstan I made the entire blog private.  I think most of us going to Kaz did.  We had confirmed Kaz officials and adoption facilitators were reading the blogs of adoptive families and THAT was risky.  Adoption in Kazakhstan (at least then) was a less than transparent and forthright process.  Criticize your coordinator on a blog and your child might suddenly become unavailable (to you).

Later with the Ladybug I didn't make the site (Treasures of the Silk Road, China Edition) private but I did write as if my social worker and the entire Chinese adoption authority were reading. ... tra la la la la, I (heart) China, patience is a virtue, everything is perfect...it wasn't true.

With those heavily edited blogs I felt like I developed an online personality that was false.  One that seemed to me (and the friends who knew me) too nice, too perfect and frankly too boring.  I am a decidedly flawed, opinionated and snarky individual and that wasn't coming though in anything I dared to write while in the middle of an adoption because at the end of the day I was unwilling to write anything that might risk our adoptions.

So when my girls were finally and forever home I decided to tackle the whole blogging thing differently.   I was not going to be afraid to write in my own voice.  You know the one that says politically charged things like "anti adoption activists can SHUT UP!"

And so 10 months ago I started Five of My Own and set out to write (and frankly live my life) without (or with less) reserve.

It was all going along pretty smoothly until three things happened.

First, I got political.  I wrote I would participate in the Both Ends Burning March March in DC and I encountered criticism from the anti international adoption fringe that until then I didn't really know existed.  A few weeks later I was enraged by the photos of a baby starving in orphanage in Bulgaria and I berated "anti-IA activists" in an emotional blog post. That really drew fire (from some self termed "angry adoptees" who identified with "anti-IA activists").  It wasn't pretty.

Words can be powerful weapons and some of the their comments have left me reeling.  So many of the comments left here were not topical or constructive: many were personal, attacking and down right threatening.  (I know it sounds naive but it was also the first time that it even occurred to me that people who didn't support adoption would be reading my blog.)

There were strangers, angry sounding strangers out there saying menacing things like "we will rip your children from your arms" and it scared me. Let's face it there are some freaking crazy-ass people out there.

Second, as you all know we are adopting again and with that all the familiar insecurities are creeping back in to my head (and my writing).  I am not paranoid or conspiracy minded, I do not believe there are aliens at Area 51, that Kennedy was assassinated by the mob or that the Bush administration planned 9/11, but my recent "experience" with USCIS makes me go, hmmmmm.

Third, I was more open about my faith and that's all I will say on that.


So to quote a favorite song , "I'm brave but I'm chicken shit".


All of this has lead me to pull back.  I realized I was second guessing myself. A lot.  Which (as you may have noticed) is why I've stopped using the girl's names and why I'm currently working to  reformat this blog to remove anyway to identify or target my family. (God that sounds nuts...and more than a little pathetic, sigh.)

And it's also why I've marked a couple of posts as private.  Some you've already read that in retrospect now fill me with worry and new posts I want to write contemporaneously without fear of repercussion.

Right now the only invited reader is my husband (only because I had to at least one person to make the privacy feature work) and I'm not planning on sending invites. There is no exclusive club here; just me, my husband and misgiving.  

Most posts will remain public.  

My plan is to publish all private posts once I have the Butterfly securely in my custody.

And I know that sort of sucks. And it feels pretty cowardly. And the truth is I'm still trying to work it all out.

But right now it's the only way I can think of to write EVERYTHING about this adoption and still keep it real.

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving the peace sign

-Alanis Morissette

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Is it strange that I miss you even though we haven’t met...?

This Post Marked Private/Invited Readers Only

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Win a $30 Gift Card from SophiasStyle.com

 I told y'all we would be doing giveaways and today is the day! (Well technically this week is the week but you may as well enter today while you're already here, just sayin'.)

I've actually had quite a few requests to do this but this was the first time I was really impressed enough with a company to move forward.  I am so excited to tell you about SophiasStyle.com my new favorite online kiddie boutique. 

SophiasStyle.com is a standout for a bunch of reasons;

First,  I actually LOVE the clothes and shoes and accessories they carry.  Their brands include;  Lito, Bonnie Jean and my favorite Rare Editions and Primigi.  And they have hard to find specialty products for gymnasts, cheerleaders and figure skaters.

Second, their prices are BELOW RETAIL STICKER.  Who doesn't love discount designer kids clothes?  Goodness knows with two going on three girly girls I do!

Third, they have free shipping on a regular basis and they run specials and discounts (keep an eye out for those). 

Last but not least...(this is the one that put them completely over the top in my book)... they have a heart for orphans!  That's right when they learned about my upcoming trip to Kazakhstan they offered to make a clothing donation to the orphanage.  They told me to go on their site and shop for what the kids in Kaz needed.

Seriously how awesome is that? 

Now there are a ton of darling dresses on their site I would have loved to bring to Kaz but I was practical and asked for socks and underwear.  A week later I had a huge package delivered filled with all I asked for PLUS 12 sets of new jammies.  

So perfect for a mission trip where our main objective is to deliver and set up 100 new beds.

Of course there is also the GIVEAWAY and they've made it super simple and easy.

Not one...not two... but  

THREE lucky readers will each win a $30 gift-card from SophiasStyle.com

Here's all you need to do:

1. Go over to their Facebook  Sweepstakes page HERE
2. Click the "Like" button
3. Click the "Enter Now" button and fill out the sweepstakes form.  (You only need to fill out your name and address and they promise they wont spam you.)

All and all pretty painless.

The sweepstakes runs from September 9th at 9am CST through September 16th at 11:59pm CST. The winners will be chosen at random and will be notified by email.

ENTER TO WIN HERE 

And check this out... 

EVERYONE who enters gets a promo code good for 10% off your next order at SophiasStyle.com

BTW...Here are a few of the things I'm eying for my girls....

http://www.sophiasstyle.com/baby-girls-black-fuchsia-velvet-christams-holiday-dress-6m-24m.html

http://www.sophiasstyle.com/primigi-ruby-red-sequin-velcro-strap-shoes-toddler-girls-7-5-13-5.html

http://www.sophiasstyle.com/melissa-and-doug-toddler-little-girls-bella-butterfly-boots-6-13.html

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70 days later our I800a is...

I've got nothing left (or nice) to say.

On to the next step.

Please vote...I need a boost...in so many ways:(

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Today's Feel Good Moment

Several weeks ago I asked all of you to consider sponsoring a child at Shepherd's Field Children's Village where The Butterfly is now living. I was thrilled when five of you took up the challenge and chose to make a difference for a child.

My friend Vicki was one of those generous and loving sponsors. In addition to her monthly sponsorship Vicki recently sent a few small gifts to "her" little girl.

THIS my friends is the difference a small act of kindness can make for an orphaned child.

If you would like to make a child feel loved please contact Shepherd's Field Children's Villiage.

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O.H.I.O.

Dad's home.

Still no USCIS approval.

The waiting continues.

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Not CP

“Not CP” that’s the impression of the doctor at SFCV. 

Not. C. P.

We’re still a little bit rocked by this simple statement.

When we accepted The Butterfly’s referral we believed we were dealing with cerebral palsy.  The most likely diagnosis, the one offered up by three physicians here reviewing the medical reports, was Spastic Left Hemiplegia CP.

We were prepared for CP.  Ready for what THAT would require. Best case, worse case, we were dug in.

Reports from her orphanage and the Chinese physicians in Guangdong were clear: Left lobe atrophy resulting in right side weakness, a foot drop, little to no language, IQ unknown and a high risk for seizures.

Physicians here, (three of them reading the same information), concurred.

She has Cerebral Palsy.

It was scary but again we considered the worst case scenario and we decided we could handle it... all of it...she was ours.

But now...Not CP is our new diagnosis.

Not CP and nothing else. 

Final diagnosis unknown.

Just Not CP.


 Which might lead us to possible elation...or devastation.


I want to stay positive but my worried mama thoughts keep going the way of progressive, degenerative white matter disease.  A worst case condition that truly is worst case.

The thought is so terrifying I can’t stay with it for long.

But I can’t escape it either.


Daddy on the other hand is gifted with an ability to ignore ugliness.  Like a yogi master he wills all thought to the positive, focusing exclusively on things like:


She IS talking. A lot.  Not anything like what was described in her reports.  (Perhaps it is recent, a result of moving to better care at SFCV.  I guess that would not surprise me.)


Her right arm appears equally strong to her left.  She may just be a lefty.


She is smart...and funny...completely, cognitively in tact.


So we are left with an intermittent foot drop, a small (but still on the charts) head circumference and an mri that shows brain atrophy.

That is all we know, that and

Not CP.

The possible good news, if we are so lucky, is tremendous, a miracle but the possible bad news makes me WANT her to have CP. I know that sounds crazy but the prospect of losing her makes CP seem almost desirable.

I have no control over this, I know. I just wish I did.

God help me I wish I did.

I've held on to this long enough,  this is part of why the waiting feels so desperate this time around, it's so twisted up with worry.

I am asking for insight, encouragement and prayer.

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Not His First Walk

This Post Marked Private/Invited Readers Only

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Spunkalicious

Looks who's a happy girl...here are a few glorious seconds of my playful, spunky little girl.

I'm so encouraged by how well she is moving...even if she does end this video with a bit of a floor dive.

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Apathy or Worse?

August 31, 2011

 Dear Officer D,

Thank you again.  I've sent the information via fed ex.  You should have it by 10:30am tomorrow morning.

Mrs. P

September 1, 2011

Dear Officer D

Were you able to approve our I800a?  If so was the approval sent via federal express delivery?  Thank you.

Mrs. P

September 2, 2011

Hello Mrs. P,

We are a large federal facility.  If your package has been delivered, it has not come to me yet.

Your service provider sent information via e-mail yesterday.  The scans are not clear enough.  I am waiting for your package to arrive at my desk.

Thank you, Officer D

And finally from my agency several hours later...

Lori - I did call earlier today and was told she was gone for the day (some go in early and leave early).  Please scan to me the items over the weekend.  I will call her again on Tuesday.
Hang in there. 

Why do I feel like the only one who gets how urgent this is? I guess because I'm the only one who is her mother...

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Dad Life...

The best dad ever left for China this morning.

Enjoy this while we wait for him to check in.

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(Dumb) Request for Evidence

 "Request for Evidence."

That’s what they call it in I800a speak.

Which is odd because in the business world, where I happen to be the Chief Executive Officer of a successful multi million dollar company, well I call it...

GROSS INCOMPETENCE.

So what is the evidence they need from us? What is adding another two weeks to their already unconscionably slow two month "process"?????

“proof of United States citizenship, proof of legal status for the applicant’s spouse and proof of marriage.”

Are you freakin' kidding me!?


I'm sorry, would that not be found in one of those documents with the funny little embossed seals...

you know... the ones included in my home study...stapled to the application...the one you're holding in your hands?

The same documents I sent to you 18 months ago?

And 30 months ago??

Didn't YOU confirm we were US citizens when YOU approved our last two adoptions??????????


Is this some sort of institutional amnesia ?


Wait what is that little department you work for?


The Department of Homeland Security....

Hold on now, hold on,  didn’t you just send me a new passport? Wasn’t that you? I think it was.  Remember you let me expedite and get it in only 4 days? See how easy verifying my citizenship really is???

And by the way,  wasn't there a copy of that passport (the one you issued saying I am an American) in the information we sent you? Awww man I could have sworn we sent it... ...for the third time... in 30 months.

Oh and my social security number you had that right?  I don't know does the The Department of Homeland Security have some sort of computer system where they could put in a SS# and get information? I think I saw that on episode of CSI.

I guess maybe something didn't match up with the SEVEN sets of fingerprints we've provided since 2008.

Yea, that makes sense. Fingerprints change.


(groan)


If I weren’t so disheartened I would be furious. Furious however takes up more energy than I have left for the chronic dysfunction that is USCIS.

My temporary address though about February

I wouldn't even have any RFE information if not for my multiple emails and phone calls pleading to find out what was delaying our paperwork. My official RFE was mailed on the 26th and still has not arrived!

62 days to tell me they "needed" information that was already included in the home study (not to mention on file with them from our previous two adoptions or available to them with a quick computer search).

The audacity of charging me almost a $1,000 for this level of "service" is just salt in the wound. If they were a business they would be out of business. Cripes even as a bureaucracy they stink! (I’m having warm and fuzzy thoughts of the DMV.)

I want to SCREAM at my case officer (WORDS.....bad, bad, words.) but since she also has to approve my I800 (another stupid, out of step with the real world immigration hoop to jump though), I need to keep my mouth closed. For now.

So zipping up my lip I thanked her for (finally) telling me what she wanted and sent her MORE copies, of the SAME documents she already had (again), (and again). We put them in a FedEx envelope and paid MORE money to deliver it by 10:30 am.

I’ve also given her our FedEx account number and asked that she send the approval back by overnight mail.

But I’m not holding my breathe. Competency, even with simple things, is no longer assumed.

At this point there is no way we will be DTC by Labor Day.

Hopefully it wont be too long after that. And hopefully we will get lucky and get a log in date by October 1st. I think it is still possible.


At least I hope it is.


Sad to say that at this point I’m looking forward to...


the relative processing efficiency of...


the Chinese government.

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