July 22, 2012
Last night I had an ugly melt down…Literally and figuratively, the mother of all meltdowns.
For the first time...
Since March freakin’ 17th...
I slept through the night.
I cannot begin to tell you how much better I feel now at six the next morning.
I told you here on this blog that life was pushing in on me, that I needed to back off the online world to concentrate on my real life world. And I did, well I tried.
But it turned out it wasn’t the blogging getting in the way or the pressures of being a full-time executive mom with new companies launching or leading trips to El Salvador or planning a weekend event for 400 people or even just the daily marathon of parenting 6 kids.
No, I can do chaos. Chaos and I are old coffee buddies.
It wasn’t the level of activity that was a problem it was the CHRONIC lack of sleep…a lack of QUALITY sleep between the activity that was KILLING me.
I’ve been walking around like a zombie since we traveled to China. I never (I’m not kidding-NEVER ) got past the jet lag from that trip...IN MARCH!
Our Butterfly has been cocooning in the bed with me most nights since March 17th and when she is not (because God knows we have tried to move her into her own bed) she is crying and waking us up 4-5 times a night.
I may be a Super Mom but I have found my kryptonite and she’s not even three feet tall.
Last week it got so bad I actually thought I was having a heart attack. An actual freakin’ heart attack. My chest was tight and my heart was pounding and I felt like I was teetering right on the edge of passing out. SO OF COURSE, I walked into the doctor and said “I don’t really have time for this just get me an ECG so I can either go to the hospital or get back to work.” Classic.
After a full workup the doctor asked, “Do you have any unusual stress in your life?” I thought about punching him in the throat.
Well, see that note you have about me having 6 kids one home just 3 and a ½ months...could that be a clue???
I started to wonder…either he was not a real doctor or he didn't have kids or his wife was half way through a bottle of vodka with his kids locked in the closet...
Perhaps sensing I was in no mood for a work life balance discussion he ordered the ECG.
It came back normal...as did every other test he orderd.
In the end “we” decided I was not having a heart attack (which sort of disappointed me because I had already started fantasizing about a being able to sleep ALONE in my adjustable hospital bed.)
Rather “we” decided I was “exhausted” and probably having some sort of stress induced anxiety attack. Basically I was a nut job who needed to take a nap.
I think THAT was it. My breaking point. Though in true, I-can-push-though-anything…pain-and-sleep-are-for- wimps form, it took another week and my aforementioned mommy melt down to finally give
Last night, in a not so calm manner (fill in the blanks here), I informed my husband that I would be not be going out to dinner with my sister and brother in law and the rest of the family and that I was off all kid duty ALL night and then...I took the damn sleeping pill.
AND I’m doing it again tonight
And for as long as I have to in order to feel human again.