Break Point

Last night I had an ugly melt down…Literally and figuratively, the mother of all meltdowns.

 I then took a sleeping pill and was out by 8pm.

And...

For the first time...

Since March freakin’ 17^th...

I slept through the night.

I cannot begin to tell you how much better I feel now at six the next morning.

I told you here on this blog that life was pushing in on me, that I needed to back off the online world to concentrate on my real life world.  And I did, well I tried. 

But it turned out it wasn’t the blogging getting in the way or the pressures of being a full-time executive mom with new companies launching or leading trips to El Salvador or planning a weekend event for 400 people or even just the daily marathon of parenting 6 kids.

No, I can do chaos.  Chaos and I are old coffee buddies.

It wasn’t the level of activity that was a problem it was the CHRONIC lack of sleep…a lack of QUALITY sleep between the activity that was KILLING me.

I’ve been walking around like a zombie since we traveled to China.  I never (I’m not kidding-NEVER ) got past the jet lag from that trip...IN MARCH!

Our Butterfly has been cocooning in the bed with me most nights since March 17^th and when she is not  (because God knows we have tried to move her into her own bed) she is crying and waking us up 4-5 times a night.

I may be a Super Mom but I have found my kryptonite and she’s not even three feet tall.

 Last week it got so bad I actually thought I was having a heart attack.  An actual freakin’ heart attack.  My chest was tight and my heart was pounding and I felt like I was teetering right on the edge of passing out.   SO OF COURSE, I walked into the doctor and said “I don’t really have time for this just get me an ECG so I can either go to the hospital or get back to work.” Classic.

After a full workup the doctor asked, “Do you have any unusual stress in your life?”   I thought about punching him in the throat.

Well,  see that note you have about me having 6 kids one home just 3 and a ½ months...could that be a clue???

I started to wonder…either he was not a real doctor or he didn't have kids or his wife was half way through a bottle of vodka with his kids locked in the closet...

Perhaps sensing I was in no mood for a work life balance discussion he ordered the ECG.

It came back normal...as did every other test he orderd.

In the end “we” decided I was not having a heart attack (which sort of disappointed me because I had already started fantasizing about a being able to sleep ALONE in my adjustable hospital bed.) 

Rather “we” decided I was “exhausted” and probably having some sort of stress induced anxiety attack.  Basically I was a nut job who needed to take a nap.

I think THAT was it.  My breaking point.  Though in true, I-can-push-though-anything…pain-and-sleep-are-for- wimps form,  it took another week and my aforementioned mommy melt down to finally give in up.

Last night, in a not so calm manner (fill in the blanks here), I informed my husband that I would be not be going out to dinner with my sister and brother in law and the rest of the family and that I was off all kid duty ALL night and then...I took the damn sleeping pill.

AND I’m doing it again tonight

And for as long as I have to in order to feel human again.