If I don't adopt another child...

Two weeks.

It’s only been two weeks since I agreed with my husband to take a baby hunting hiatus.

It feels like months.

I actually checked the little ticker I set up to see how much time I have left. It read 5 months, two weeks and 1 day.  Are you freaking kidding me? 

This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.  I may need some sort of 12 step program.  Is that show “Intervention” just for crack heads or can adoption junkies apply?

One problem is I’m tempted daily. 

Updates from the waiting child Yahoo group.  A picture on Facebook of kids recently adopted or a post celebrating gotcha day.  Email alerts from Rainbow Kids. Documentaries on Chinese adoptions.

It's all so intoxicating.

And I worked hard to plug into the waiting child community.  It was (is) part of a proactive attempt to find my child.  I tapped into multiple networks, blogs, yahoo groups, and agency listings. Unplugging (short of not turning on my computer or phone) is tedious and time consuming.

But mostly I’m not sure I want to do it.

Kind of like the “ex” smoker who keeps and emergency pack of cigarettes, just in case. I'm just not sure I'm ready to shut it all down.

Right now, a whole two weeks (groan) into my “break” I still cannot imagine I will have a change of heart and I'm worried that if I stop "looking" I might miss her-my perfect child. (And yes I know the drill "MY" child will come in His time and she will be perfect and worth the wait...but God also helps those who help themselves right?)

But here's the real issue...

I am not being intellectually honest about this process.  My break has been mostly about not confronting my husband on the subject rather than clearing my own mind.

I’m not holding up my end of the bargain.  Not really.

OK. That changes now.

You can help.

Here’s what I’m thinking. 

I need to focus on all the things I could do if I didn’t adopt another child.

Such as….

(insert cricket chirp)

Ummm, ahhh (nudge) this is where you come in.

If you don't adopt another child you could...(add your comment below...but please be kind.)

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