I am Mother therefore I worry...

 December 2, 2008

I was reminded today that our adoption is not final. I don't think I will really feel it is until we have Nina in the good ole US of A. It is funny how sometimes I am not even aware of my own thoughts and emotions. Consciously I'm thinking, hey look at me, I'm really handling this "leave your daughter on another continent thing" pretty well. Then without warning these other thoughts, crazy thoughts, creep in my head..what if she gets sick...What is she dies...Where would she be buried...Would I be allowed to go to a funeral... Koo Koo. There is a sane rationale voice in my head screaming "woman get hold of yourself, your being ridiculous". But clearly I AM having some (ok a lot of) anxiety about our separation.

Right now we are counting down the 15 day waiting period. We had court November 26 so one week down one more (and a day) to go. We have been told we can take physically custody of Nina on December 12th but we can't actually bring her home for nearly a month (I am guessing we will head home January 10 or so). Dart and I are actually kicking around the idea of him going back to Kaz on December 12th to take custody of Nina.

I am unable to go because of work. I hate that but it is my reality. Nina is, as you know, not particularly fond of Dart, (at least not Dart sans yogurt snacks). But I have to believe that Nina with big scary Daddy is better than Nina at big scary orphanage. If we did this I would travel with the boys to meet them in Almaty after the new year. Christmas would be weird without Dad here (not Christmas at all) but at least Nina could celebrate Christmas and her birthday with some family.

I don't know what to do. I am so grateful to have finally found her but the separation is gut wrenching.

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