Advice On Reluctant Husbands

 February 4, 2011

I have been struggling for weeks now with my desire to adopt a 6 year old from China and my Husband’s desire to …well…NOT adopt a 6 year old from China.  It’s a conflict as old as time no different in adoption than it is in pregnancy.  I see pink bows and butterfly kisses; he sees sleepless nights and doctor visits.  We are both right.
Truth be told, RH (reluctant husband) wasn’t so keen on having ANY of our kids, well at least not at first.  Excepting the two kiddos that surprised the both of us, each time we discussed having another child it was always ME bringing up the subject followed by him (with deer in headlights stare) saying “NO”.  Of course each time he changed from reluctant husband to relenting husband and our family grew into the mostly happy brood it is today.
**Insert Disclaimer**
Dear Old RH reacts this way to most new ideas.  He likes to take his time and get good and comfortable with an idea before moving forward.  However once the reality of a child sets in and  there is (for instance) a beautiful  little girl standing in front of him he is THE best, most affectionate, loving and committed father you can imagine.
So here remains the Printy family bus stuck in neutral; one ready to give it the gas, the other clutching the emergency brake! 
And while we work it out, I am trying hard to remind myself that we are not opponents in some competition, the prize a darling daughter.  We simply have different needs (at least for now).  

I selfishly want to mother another child, a desire rooted in my female DNA.  

I won’t apologize for that.  

But RH has his own desires, equally selfish and equally valid.  He too should not apologize. (I need to remind myself of that more often.)
**Insert Random Thought**
One thing that is really different about adoption vs pregnancy is you really can't get paper pregnant by "accident".  A less than wonderful wife (like me honey, in case you are reading) could "forget" to take her pill one month:) but not so easy for the adoptive mom.  I'm just saying, I think he might notice the social worker and the fingerprint card?
Ironically this subject was discussed just a few days ago on a China adoption blog I read called Ni Hao Y’all.  Here by the way is a woman with 10 children (including 6 SN kids adopted from China) who is still lobbying her husband for another child. She asked her readers "What do you do when your husband doesn't share your desire to adopt?" 
Well now, I thought that was a great question!  So I jumped into reading the numerous comments, eager to learn the secret to turning Hubbie's "R" status from Reluctant to Relenting!  More than 50 responses later what was the the conclusion?  


Huh, what?  You mean there isn’t some sort of Venus butterfly move I can do in the bedroom to get him to say yes?  Maybe some fabulous meatloaf recipe?  A scheme perhaps involving alcohol, muscle relaxants and a notary on standby?
Then I read another comment; Every child should be desperately wanted by BOTH parents”.  


and that was it for me. So... 

I’m praying.

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