Whatever Will Be, Will Be

 February 13, 2009

Unless you have completely run out of things to read including cereal boxes and grocery store receipts, don’t bother with this post. This is mostly an attempt to organize my own mixed up thoughts about what to do next…

Sometimes I think it is easier when there are fewer choices. I find myself really struggling to decide how to proceed with another adoption or even if there should be one at all. The practical, reasonable side of me says” just slow down, don’t make any decisions yet”. But well I almost never pay attention to that side and it probably won’t be any different with this.

I had no doubt about a second daughter until this past Monday when we had our developmental assessment. Ironically the fact that Nina was healthy and on target in every area was what shook me. My God how could we have gotten so lucky? Seriously this child is so much more that we dared to hope for, she is perfect in every way. It is hard to imagine that lightening could strike twice.

I think I remember feeling this way about the boys. I had this weird sense that I was pushing the gods, playing against the odds. I mean the audacity of wanting three healthy boys; how presumptuous, how greedy can one be? And truth be told, I remember thinking how could I possible love a child as much as I love the one I already have?

This time though I am also contending with trying to predict the future of International Adoption. Do we stay with China? Today marks 17 months since we logged into China. My agency says we can expect a referral sometime towards the end of 2010, so about 2 years. Is that true? Who knows but the odds are it’s not. The families getting referrals this month waited 36 months and nothing in the China program seems to suggest the timeline is speeding up. The 2 year projection from my agency is in my opinion baseless and leaves me with little confidence in anything they say. If it is 2 or even 3 years from now we could request to adopt an older toddler so she and Nina would be close in age. I could see us with a 4 and 5 year old-that would work. But to put my hopes into this very unpredictable program seems more than just a little risky.

Then there is the option of adopting again from Kazakhstan. My KZ agency is claiming the program is moving without delay but again that does not match up with what I am reading on the list serves. It looks like there are waits just to submit to the Embassy in DC and getting thru the NY Consulate looks ugly. Then there is that long and difficult trip in KZ. I am not sure that is a good thing to put the kids thru again. If we did go I would prefer not to travel until the summer of 2010 and that timeframe seems doable.

I guess the good news is I do have choices and really none of them is a bad choice. Que sera sera, that's how I should be right? It is my own compulsive need to have a plan, work the plan, and achieve the goal that is making me crazy. Always looking ahead, always something to aspire to I guess- Dart calls it insatiable. Maybe he’s right.

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