Changes in Kaz...Gender Selection

 August 27, 2008

I was pretty good while on vacation about NOT getting on the web and reading anything in the adoption world. I needed to take a break from IA with all of its stress and worry and interminable waiting. It was a good thing and I recommend it to all of my fellow PAP's stuck in the waiting phase of this journey. Much like the 60 mile walk I just finished, it will take determination, persistence and a lot of plain old stubbornness to get to the end of this race.

Of course now that vacation is over and I am sitting with my battered feet up, I am right back to the computer catching up with some of my favorite blogs and checking in with various yahoo groups. It seems while I was otherwise engaged the officials in Kazakhstan were changing the rules once again. Apparently they are seeking to stop adoptive parents from choosing the gender of a child.

In concept I understand and actually agree with this change. The imbalance in the number of girls adopted vs. boys is heartbreaking. So many boys are left behind while baby girls have long lines of parents waiting to adopt them (or so it seems). I am the mother of three sons and it is confusing to me why the boys are less adoptable. I love being a boy mom. It has been the greatest experience of my life. But such is the case and so many boys need homes.

In reality though I AM the mother of 3 boys and I desperately want the opportunity to mother a daughter. The ability to select the gender of our child is the reason we decided to adopt in Kazakhstan-it is the reason we decided to adopt at all. If we are not able to adopt a daughter then ....I struggle to write this...I do not think we are meant to adopt at all.

I know that the goal of adoption is to find parents for children not children for parents. But does this mean the needs of parents are irrelevant? Are adoptive parents expected to be like God and provide perfect selfless love? For me adoption (like all love relationships) is at the same time both selfless and selfish, with both parents and children getting, beautifully, just what they need. Somehow taking away the adoptive parents option to choose who they adopt puts this equation out of balance.

I did contact my agency on this point and I am waiting to hear something definitive from them. Hopefully (selfishly) this is something that won't effect us since we have already been assigned a region. After 20 months of trying to adopt I am exhausted and increasingly impatient with the constant changes, endless paperwork and delays. I am not sure how many more disappointments I can endure. Call it what you will, selfish or not, I just need my daughter.

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