A Day at Szalay's Farm

It's kind of a midwest thing...

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The Crib is Now a Toddler Bed (sniff, sniff)

For the past several nights Nina has been playing escape artist.  She has appeared at my bedside three mornings in a row ready to climb in for a 5am snuggle. When we asked how she got out she proudly responded "I did it!" and then just for emphasis she showed us how she easily hopped over the railings. Truth be told I don't mind this much. She is warm and cuddly and I love it when she wraps her little arms around my neck. *Sigh*... though I suppose the crib days couldn't have lasted much longer, (she is going to be three in just a few months) it makes me just a little bit sad to see the rails go down.

So here is her crib converted into the toddler bed.  Daddy just put it together and sent me the picture.  I think it needs a little "fluffing up" but still it is sweet.  Not too grown up right? 

And of course now the real fun begins as we figure out how to get our little jumping bean to actually stay IN the bed.

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Choice

As I have shared we are pursuing a special needs adoption in China. On Thursday night we received the file of a beautiful little girl to review. Without getting into specifics this child’s particular condition was more than we felt we could handle and we did not accept the referral.


We declined the referral approximately 36 hours after first seeing this beautiful little girl’s picture. Not a particularly long time but enough time to imagine myself with a baby girl on each hip, mentally rearrange furniture in the “girl’s” bedroom, check to see if the double stroller was still in storage and review my calendar for estimated travel dates. Really 36 hours is enough to change an entire future-it almost was.

It occurred to me this morning as I lay in bed retracing the events of the past two days that losing a referral is heart wrenching but refusing one dredges up emotions that are far more complicated. Beyond sadness, disappointment and loss I feel guilt, shame and more than anything a sense of disloyalty as an adoptive mother.

When I adopted Nina I was pleasantly surprised how the emotions of the adoption process mirror the feelings in pregnancy. While I knew I could love a child who did not share my DNA, I hadn’t realized I could love her exactly like I love my bio kids. I know we all said we could/would but I didn’t KNOW until she was mine. At times I physically ache for her. I love her so much, she is so intrinsically part of me, there are times I simply can not reconcile that fact that she was born to another woman. She is mine and  like any good mother I would walk thru fire, lift automobiles, donate a kidney and generally go to the ends of the earth to keep her safe and healthy- exactly the same that I would do for my bio kids. But then we were faced with accepting or rejecting a special needs child and it was clear that this is where bio and adoption parenting differ; adoptive parents get to choose.

There is no doubt in my mind that if I were pregnant and gave birth to a child with the same medical condition as the child we just declined or if God forbid, Nina or the boys developed a similarly serious condition I would do everything possible to make them well and give them everything they needed for as long as they needed it. There would be no choice, none. As a mother that’s just what you do. But in adoption I don’t have to do this, I could choose to take a pass, “thanks but no thanks, I’ll just wait for a better one”. The more I think about it the more it sickens me. A mother accepts and loves and fights for her children. What happened to walking thru fire? If adopting a baby is the emotional equivalent to birthing a baby (which I do believe), than a lost referral (I am guessing) would feel much like a miscarriage. What then is a rejected referral, an abortion?

Now I am not unaware of the morbid and dramatic tone of this post and I am not even going to pretend that I’m not still mourning this child but I just can’t shake the question: How can I claim adoptive love to be the same as bio love when I am permitted the unnatural luxury of choice?

I know I am going to be OK. This too shall pass and all. Logically I am certain that we made a choice that was in the best interest of our family. I recognized my own limits and our family's needs and I believe I made a good decision based on practical, unemotional facts. I don’t think anyone would fault me on that but, I can’t avoid the reality that I did get to choose and I am far less certain of the ethical, moral and emotional consequences of this. Well perhaps that’s not entirely true; I do know the emotional consequences.

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On Pre Order...

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2 years since we logged in with the CCAA

Ok so its been 2 years and I never expected it would come to this but really I can't complain. Although it did not turn out the way we thought it would, it is the way it is supposed to be. Every step of our adoption journey including the day our dossier was logged in with China, was part of a series of serendipitous events that led us to Nina. Our initial attempt to adopt from China set it all into motion and looking back I would not change a thing because I can't imagine any other result.

So this really is a date to celebrate. Not because it will ever matter in terms of adopting a child from China but because it was part of a labyrinth full of twists and turns, dead ends and abrupt turns that eventually led us to our intended daughter.

We can no longer predict where we go next, if and how we grow our family we do not know. What we do know is this date will no longer be part of that story.

Sorry amorphic post alert....just a quick clarification...we are still pursuing a SN adoption. The LID does not matter for SN adoptions in China, so 9/13 will not be a significant date going forward.

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You Are Very Welcome

The other day Dart looked over at me and said “Thank you”. While that’s always nice to hear I honestly wasn’t sure what he was thanking me for. He went on to tell me this.


I was cleaning up my office and found all the paperwork we had from the adoption. It really hit me how much work you did to make this all happen. You were the one who had the idea and knew it was what we needed to do and then you went after it. You did all the research, filled out all the forms and gathered the documents, you interviewed the agencies and set up all the appointments. You pushed hard to make the adoption happen and you pushed me and it was a lot of work. Anyway while I was looking at the huge pile of paperwork I heard Nina in the other room giggling and playing with the boys and I realized how much we needed her and how happy I am that she is ours. So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for giving me my daughter.

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What a Difference 726 Days Make..

..she wrote dripping with sarcasm.



I just received this from my China agency.


Dear September 2007 LID Families,

Congratulations! We received word from our Beijing office that the CCAA has finished the review of dossiers registered in September, 2007!
Yay! Congratulations to all of you.

In 4 days we will mark 2 YEARS since we submitted our dossier.

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