The Letter A & The Number 4...by Alexa Brower

 this post is brought to you by the letter "A" and the number "4"...

As the author of this guest post I figure I should begin by introducing myself. My name is Lexie, and you’ve probably seen me before… and wondered who the heck I was and what I was doing in Lori’s blog photos. I’ve been confusing viewers like you since 2007.

I'm the girl 3rd from the right in the matching Lilly Pulitzer dress.

As a member of the Printy brood, I have gone by several titles. Depending on the day, I could be the nanny, girlfriend, daughter, wife, aunt, babysitter, sister, daughter-in-law, or the crazy girl that keeps following them around. Although I am currently serving under the official title of “Kiefer’s girlfriend,”

I also consider myself, first and foremost, to be Dart and Lori’s un- officially adopted eldest daughter – a title I am extremely proud of and grateful for.

 My journey into the Printy clan began in the 7th grade. Kiefer and I attended the same middle school for one semester, until he transferred in the middle of our seventh year. I remember the day his dad came to help him pack up his locker and leave. I was wandering the school halls with a friend while out on a hall-pass, and stopped to say goodbye to Kiefer. As he walked out the door, Kiefer did not turn around to return my farewell but the gigantic bald guy escorting him out did turn around to wave at me and offer a “Goodbye,” in response. Little did I know in that moment how much that giant bald man would mean to me in the future.

Fast forward a few years, and that giant guy is the only one I would dare to refer to as my Daddy.

He looks all big and tough, but has the softest heart. He played college football for an Ivy League school. He’s a talented teacher, but has chosen to stay at home and take care of his littlest girls. Dart attempts to brush out tangled hair, make ponytails, and create matching outfits – although not always successfully. He drives a huge truck, full of pink carseats and Disney princess accessories. He loves ice hockey and Labatt Blue, but can carry on a ten minute conversation about Nick Jr.’s programming lineup. Dart saves the US Weekly magazines that get sent to his house (thanks, Arman!) for me, because he knows I’ll be craving trashy celebrity gossip at some point.

He is reliable and dependable. If I have a problem, I call Dart - as does everyone else in this family. If I ever end up in jail, Dart will be my one phone call. If I’m ever kidnapped from a foreign country, he’s coming after me Liam Neeson style. (Note to anyone plotting to kidnap me, you should probably just preemptively give up now.) He’s listed in my iPhone as “Daddy,” and is my in-case-of-emergency contact. I often wonder how he doesn’t collapse from the exhaustion of fixing everyone’s problems. He may be the most patient man I have ever met in my entire life. “Blessed is the man that hears many gentle voices calling him father.” – Lydia M. Child Well…

Around here our voices may be many, but they aren’t so gentle. We whine, yell, bicker, and complain, yet he somehow continues to tolerate us. When Dart’s little girls scream out, “Daddy!” he responds to them by name every time.

When I am stressed, Dart reminds me that I am always welcome to “hide out” with him until things calm down. When I am frustrated with Kiefer, Dart gives me a hug and some advice about his own child – but from the perspective of being MY protector. ~

As a daughter, I believe the impact of a father on a girl’s life is of the utmost importance – a father shapes his little girl’s world. However, it is far easier to be a father than a daddy.

A real Daddy loves the mother of his children. He saves the day, spends quality time, and savors the moments spent with his daughter. He spoils her silly, while teaching her responsibility. A Daddy tells his daughter that she’s beautiful, and makes sure she knows exactly how much she deserves. He teaches her to respect herself. A Daddy wants to kill any man that mistreats his little girl. A Daddy wants to catch her before she falls, but knows when to step back and allow for her to learn her own lessons. A Daddy picks her up, dusts her off, kisses the boo-boos, and gives advice for next time. A Daddy shows up for his daughter’s birthday and celebrates her life’s milestones with pride. A Daddy leads by example and lives a life worth emulating through future generations.


Growing up, I always wished for a Daddy. To put things simply: my own father never wanted
children. Even though my parents were married and financially stable at the time of my birth, I
was not mutually desired by both of my parents. I consider myself extremely lucky to have been
brought up in a middle class household, in which my parents were capable of providing for my
physical needs. However, I always knew a great emotional chasm existed between my father
and me. The reason for this divide was far beyond my capacity of understanding as a child, and
remains my biggest struggle as a young adult. My father was never my “Daddy,” and I was never his “Perfect Little Girl.” I think we both knew this from day one.

I remember worrying about the father-daughter dance at my wedding. I remember yearning
for my father’s acceptance and approval. I remember the disappointment of never feeling good
enough. While I still struggle with the estranged relationship I have with my father I have found self
acceptance and confidence through my relationship with my Daddy, Dart.

While there was not a single paradigm-shifting moment I learned over time to trust Dart. Our
little seemingly meaningless day to day interactions have made all the difference for me. For example before I went to Europe last summer Dart showed up at the house with a new digital camera and an electrical outlet adapter. He taught me to use the adapter and sent me on my way. I was floored that he had been thinking of me and wanted to provide me with these resources.

When I squeeze my little hatchback into a tight parking spot in the Printy’s packed driveway Dart says, “Good job.”  He calls to check in on me and asks if I want to go grocery shopping. Dart is my safe person. When I cry, I wish he was with me. He’s never let me down.

None of Dart’s daughters share his DNA, but that doesn’t matter in the least. We know that
we are his and he is ours. We know he will always be there, unconditionally. He didn’t make
us, but he loves us. He makes us laugh, teaches us, and scolds us. He will dance with us at our
weddings. I feel honored to be one of the girls under his care.

And while I’m not sure if he will actually read this or not, I’d like to say a big Thank you and Happy Father’s Day!

We love you.


 

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I Could Not Ask for a Better Man... by Sandi Arbolino

Our family dynamics changed for the better when I found my soul mate.

 In 2008 I made the decision to become a mom through international adoption. This decision impacted my life in more ways than I will ever be able to describe. Creating a family as a single mom was an easy decision however finding my soul mate and the man my daughter would call dad was not easy.

From day one I was adamant that my daughter would not meet every man I dated and in fact she was not going to meet anyone unless he was the one. 

 I was fortunate that a week after arriving home with my daughter I reconnected with an old flame from the past. To say I was very conservative in the time I spent away from my daughter is an understatement. However this man was willing to allow me to call the shots, never pushed to meet her and let me lead the way.

He even stood by when the holidays arrived and I told him that we would be tied up with family who had waited a lifetime to meet her and he said something I will never forget. He said "that is OK, I understand and I will still be here in two weeks when you have the time". Wow was all I could think.

So on Dec 31, 2009 he finally met Finley and knowing what I already knew in my heart of hearts, our path to being a family of three was right in front of my eyes.

 He looked at her with the same eyes I had looked at her the first time I laid eyes on her in the orphanage. He never once acted as if he was not her father. Since Finley was still just a toddler at 16 months she did not know any different. Michael has taken on the role of fatherhood as if she was born from his soul. 

She is the sunshine of his eyes, as this is what he told the judge just a few short weeks ago when we finalized the re-adoption, granting him the same parental rights that I have. While we had to do it for legalities, he has been her father since the day they met. He is not only compassionate, he is patient and kind. He is always up for playing dress up, reading stories and has introduced her to the world of Disney Movies and Songs. I love listening to them as they sing songs together, and love when they make up their own words.

I could not have asked for a better man to be a father to my daughter.

 

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My Dad Is The Greatest...By Ellie Hernsdorf

 He runs with me to the bus stop everyday.

He encourages me try new things…like Calamari!

My dad taught me to ski…to ride a skateboard on my belly…and to enjoy all sports, which
require a helmet.

He lets me pick up bugs with lots of legs…because they’re cool.

He puts chocolate chips in my pancakes.

He protects me from robbers…and pirates…and thunderstorms.

My dad takes me for bike rides on a two-seater bike…and lets me sing out loud!

He lets me pick out my own clothes for school if Mommy forgets. We think orange
Halloween socks look great with anything.

My Dad is funny and laughs at most things…

He tells me the truth…that squashed animals in the road die; they don’t just take a rest.

He says chocolate ice cream is good any time of day.

He lets me help coach my older brother’s soccer team…because sometimes they need me
to take control.

My Dad lets me jump into the deep end of Grandma’s pool, shoot off rockets in
the field and drive the tractor, cause he’s always watching closely.

And sometimes we have secrets…JDTM! (Just don’t tell Mom!!)



 

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A Child's Legacy

This is a re-post of a great entry written by Cindy LaJoy over at LAJOY FAMILY: The Family that God Built.  It's about one of the littlest victims of Kyrgyzstan closure to foreign adoption.  Cindy is an adoptive mom from Colorado with five children (gotta love that).  Four of her children were adopted from Kazakhstan and one was adopted from Kyrgyzstan. Cindy is also a home school mom and an aspiring licensed lay minister with the United Church of Christ.

***********************

It has been a long while since I posted much about adoptions in Kyrgyzstan.  Sadly, it has been because there has been no movement at all, and 60+ children who were previously matched with adoptive parents are still waiting to join their waiting families.  Three years and counting, and children suffer the consequences of a government's inability to function efficiently.  They also suffer due to the misguided and irrational logic of organizations whose opinions reflect their utter lack of understanding of the incredible harm that comes from years of institutionalization.

Even more shocking is that these children, many of whom have multiple medical issues that need immediate attention, pay the ultimate price for adults who can't place their welfare first.  They will never have the chance to have the kind of life they could have had should intervention have come quickly and early on in their lives.

And some of them die.

There is no dramatic intention there, it is truth.  Let me share just one story...

Suzanne Bilyeu is an ordinary wife, mother and pediatrician who was faced with unfathomable choices that would tear out the heart of any human being.  She and her husband tackled the paperwork, and were matched with a child, a beautiful little girl named Altynai whom they had planned to name Addison.  When Altynai was a tiny 3 month old baby, they traveled to Kyrgyzstan to meet her as part of the adoption process, expecting to return 2-3 months late to bring their daughter home.  Upon returning home, Altynai experienced her first illness, and within a month their court date for adoption finalization was cancelled as the adoption process ground to a halt when adoptions in Kyrgyzstan were "temporarily" halted.

As the family waited and months passed, it became increasingly obvious that little Altynai's physical condition was rapidly growing worse.  Measurements indicated that she had  hydrocephalus, and her head circumference continued to increase as fluid pressed on her brain, causing unknown pain...and untold damage.

At 13 months old and due to the extraordinary advocacy work on the part of her Mom, a visiting medical team performed the life saving surgery that would provide Altynai with a fighting chance.  I call Suzanne Altynai's Mom because I know what it is like to be separated from your children for years at a time, knowing in your heart that God has already matched you and no court on earth can ever change that.  We moms, whether legally recognized or not, will do all that is humanly possible for our children, whether they reside with us or not.

Unfortunately, by the age of 16 months, it was clear that the surgery was not going to yield the hoped for results, and the decline in Altynai's health left her able to barely lift her head, and with vision and hearing loss.  Her parents and so many other waiting parents worked tirelessly (and still do) to convince the Kyrgyz government to free their children to come home to the loving families that awaited them. 
 
At 28 months old, Altynai's condition worsened to the point that she once again had emergency surgery to relieve the pressure on her brain. It came too late, and a month later, a much loved little girl died in the arms of an orphanage caretaker.  Altynai would never have the chance to giggle while being tickled by her Mommy and Daddy, she would never hear the words "I love you" whispered softly in her ear, she would never be able to walk and talk, ride a bike or throw a ball.  Her life was cut short, and it was 100% avoidable.
 

I was blessed to have a few phone conversations with Suzanne as she worked through the emotions of this heart wrenching situation.  I was able to see the heart of a Mom, one who was powerless to help her daughter who was so far away and in distress.  I could do nothing more than lend a compassionate ear and  murmur a few words of encouragement as we both recognized the hopelessness of the situation. 

 

Suzanne handled it all with far more grace than I ever could have.

 

That grace now extends towards the families who continue to wait...families whose lives have understandably changed over the past 3 years, whose financial situations have possibly been affected by the economy as well as the ongoing efforts to bring their waiting children home.  Suzanne contacted me and shared a little about her plans to raise funds for the remaining waiting families, so that their adoptions could be finalized should Kyrgyzstan release them, and that financial need would not stand in the way.  She established a fund as a lasting legacy to the life of Altynai...the child whose own government and legal guardian completely ignored.  Please check out her web page at:  http://www.altynailegacyfund.blogspot.com/  .  There you will read just a handful of stories about some of the other waiting families, you will see the faces of the children they long to bring home.  If you are so moved, please donate to this cause....you will be helping families whose Herculean efforts to bring their children home are inspiring.

 

You will also help Suzanne to know that Altynai's life was of value, that she was not some anonymous orphan who died a silent death and will forever remain unrecognized. 

 

Remember Altynai...

 

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Guest Post by Melissa

Today's post is written by Melissa a fellow adoptive mother and friend who asked if I would permit her to guest post on my blog. She wanted to add to the recent discussion on the "politics of adoption".  Though I have not done it before I agreed to let Melissa post here because I think it might be an interesting way to share multiple perspectives on the complicated (and often contentious) subject.

To that end, if you would like to share your thoughts on an issue of importance to the adoption/orphan discussion I welcome you to submit a post for consideration.  While this is generally a blog written by and for adoptive parents, I personally would welcome insight from adoptees, birth/first/natural families as well as other stakeholders.  I remain hopeful that we can learn from one another.

Send your submissions to fiveofmyown@gmail.com

  

*****

Prelude to the Main Message

I wanted to write about the how the US government must grasp the dire urgency facing the plight of
children in orphanages around the world due to the numerous bureaucratic slowdowns in processing
international adoption paperwork. But before I even start my thesis, I know that I will be confronted
with comments about domestic adoptions, corruption in international adoption, and the discussion
about fostering and/or sponsoring. So let me address those before I get t what I believe is the root of
the current crisis in international adoption. (Note: I’m assuming here that Lori will permit me to guest
blog again.)


First of all, some ground rules. Address your comments, criticism, debates, and arguments to me. My
name is Melissa. I can take it (although not as well as I take praise but nonetheless.) Do not flame, spam, or drag Lori or anyone else into this dialogue. These are my words and my opinions. If you disagree with me, fine. Tell me why. And if I don’t see your rebuttal, that’s fine as well. Let’s agree to disagree. 

Some things are set in stone and can never be changed. I can accept that and I hope you can too. Just as we’ll never convince a Red Sox fan that the Yankees rock (or vice versa), or that University of Michigan football is far superior than Ohio State, or that Lee Majors as the Bionic Man was far dreamier than David Soul in Starsky and Hutch. Moving on…no cussing, no name throwing, and don’t attack on the personal level. Let’s have this dialogue as adults. You may learn something and I may learn something. Or maybe not. And that’s okay. 

And finally, if you are making a statement as a truth, back it up with facts, don’t make general assumptions.

So here we go.

I get it. I heard all the arguments and I get what people are saying when it comes to the pros and cons of adoption and international adoption but the pendulum swings both ways.

Argument #1: It is beneficial for the child to foster them as opposed to adopting. You are not taking them away from their biological families. It is less selfish as it is more about meeting the child’s needs than the adults’.

My response: Fostering is a tough and caring job but there are also non-altruistic motives involved in
some cases as well. Unlike adoption, domestic or international, the US government pays families who
foster. The child’s insurance is covered by the government until the child is 18. The average payment
foster families receive is $300 per month per child. (Source Link Here)

According to a 2003 survey not only were companionship and community stated as reasons for fostering but “among some parents, to supplement family income.” (Source Link Here)



Argument #2: The international adoption world is corrupt with children being sold on the black
market.

My response: True and undeniable, hence changes do need to be made to ensure the perpetrators are
punished and not the children. Fortunately, there are tools and resources to help prospective parents
research ethical and legal agencies and how to spot red flags. The US embassies in these countries also

have methods in place to help determine the validity of each adoption. Some of these methods are
faulty and outdated and need to be updated but a system is currently in place.

Needless to say, domestic adoption isn’t immune to black market baby selling either. Just last month a
woman in Washington tried to sell her baby for $500 at a Taco Bell.  (Source Link Here) Last summer a couple tried to sell their baby at Walmart for a mere $25. (Source Link Here) In some cases in the US, pregnant women are scamming prospective adoptive parents by seeking financial aid from numerous couples only to disappear. (Source Link Here)

In the cases where kids are being stolen from biological families, it’s happening here in the US too. Some unscrupulous people are stealing babies out of hospitals minutes after they are born. (Source Link Here)

Argument # 3: There are many kids in the US in need of homes – no need to look overseas for kids to adopt.

My response: That’s true. There are kids EVERYWHERE in need of homes, love, and families. However, in the US, there is governmental support in place for ALL kids in the foster/adopt realm such as free health care, education, and a place to live. (Source Link Here) This is not always true overseas in many countries where the basic necessities are not provided by the government. In essence, those are the kids that are in dire need because there are no safety nets for them.

Argument #4: Adoption in general is evil and a gateway to abuse since blood is thicker than water. People cannot love an adopted child as a biological one.

My response: Blood is like water – transferable and can be bought at a market, but unlike water, it’s
gross when you step in a puddle of it. Not all adoptive parents are like Terry Hanson of Tennessee who
put her adoptive son on a plane back to Russia nor like the woman on the Dr. Phil show who put hot
sauce in her adoptive son’s mouth when he told a lie. The majority of us adoptive parents (international
and domestic) do good. We love are children more than life itself. I would give up my own life for my
daughter.

By the same token, biological parents have faults too. Not all but some. Remember Susan Smith who
drowned her three biological kids in a lake in order to woo a guy? This summer an Ohio woman was
found guilty of cooking her biological child in a microwave. (Source Link Here) . A Louisiana dad beheaded his seven year old biological son with a meat clever last week.  (Source Link Here)

Argument #5: If Americans want to help a child overseas, they should sponsor the child’s family.

My response: In theory, not a bad suggestion but the reality doesn’t always work this way. In some
countries, pregnancy (even from rape) is not only taboo and ‘shames the family’ but is cause for death
for the woman. (Source Link Here) So in cases like this, when the woman most likely values her life, a sponsorship or even knowledge of the pregnancy would do more harm than good. Sometimes, in lieu of pregnancy termination, the woman goes into hiding until she gives birth and then puts her child in an orphanage for adoption.

Argument #6: Not all kids in orphanages are true orphans.

My response: That is true. In fact, this is a universal truth, meaning it also applies here in the US. Not
all kids available for adoption or live as wards of the State or County are true orphans. Yet these kids as well as those in orphanages, all of them, would thrive in a family setting.

Argument #7: Adoptive parents tend to be baby collectors.

My response: Two words: Michelle Duggar. (all biological on top of that)

The list here can go on but I think I’ve made my point.

In no way, shape or form do I mean to belittle, dismiss, or bemoan anyone’s personal experience. I understand there is a lot of pain involved when it comes to adoption: some children are adopted into less-than-loving families; some children have come into families by unethical and immoral means; some parents regret their decisions to relinquish, and so on. There is also a lot of pain in the biological family structure: abuse, shame, and disrespect. My goal was simply to point out some of the more common arguments I’ve heard against international adoption and to address them. I wanted to show that international adoption is not the root of evil and the alternatives are not always as rosy. The end result is that children need parents and where anyone comes from shouldn’t be the issue.

                                                        ---Melissa

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How Will I Live?

For the record, I don't personally know Jamie.  I was asked if I would be willing to let her write a guest post on the subject of mesothelioma. This is a personal blog, an adoption blog:  I do not write about cancer.  And she had no way of knowing that my grandfather, a larger than life, teddy bear of a man, died of mesothelioma.

Guest Post By: Jackie Clark

News of your impending death is a heart breaking revelation that is extremely stressful. For a young mother on the threshold of parenthood, eagerly planning the kind of life she herself never had for her child, news of a terminal illness is devastating. Even though every sickness is not unto death, a young mother who faces the challenges of that possible separation learns early on that her nurturing and parenting skills take on an urgency that is different from those who appear to be in the picture of health. The interesting thing about that difference is that it's the very thing that will enable her to live. This yearning to watch my child grow created a fight in me that could not be beaten.

For those who might not know, mesothelioma is an aggressive form of cancer that develops in the protective lining of the stomach, lungs, and or the cavity around the heart. Because the disease is asymptomatic, early diagnosis is difficult. This allows the disease to thrive; its long latency period keeps it from being detected until it is in the advanced stages. Mesothelioma is caused by exposure to asbestos and inhalation of asbestos particles. Although it has no known cure, surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation offer curative or palliative treatments designed to extend life, alleviate pain, and increase the mesothelioma life expectancy. For me these treatments have co-in sided with my fight. I have beaten the odds; I am a mesothelioma survivor.

As a young mother with mesothelioma, you can still be a great mother. You will have to plant things in your young children that someone else may have to water and harvest, but your awareness of this lets you plan and make quality decisions for your child's life and future. You can decide how you want to be remembered; you can plan memorable activities and events for the two of you; you can keep a journal or write stories telling your children about you and your dreams for them. The little things that you do now will make a mark on your child's heart that cannot be erased.

Mesothelioma is a killer, but it doesn’t have to completely destroy you. Despite the prognosis you hold the keys to how you live your life and raise your children. When you face death through mesothelioma, it can be on your own terms. You've found a way to live.

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