Waitng for a Family of Her Own

Qing Cheng Xiao Bai who was born in China on 12-20-2003 is waiting for a family to call her own. 

Please email Christy for more information and additional pictures.

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Kids Say the Darndest Things

I know you are expecting something darling from one of my preschoolers

 but this time it's a quote from my oldest

One that captured my thoughts and heart exactly

We were in a room full of orphanage officials and I was trying to explain the goals of advocacy and why we need to describe the children beyond the standard "shared list" descriptions that are limited to name, birthday and special need

When my beautiful, compassionate son said (it all)...

"we need to share their (the kids) hopes and dreams so prospective parents can start hoping and dreaming for them."

My big-hearted son making fast friends with a bubbly little boy in China. Two and half year old Daniel needs a family. If you want this smile in your life please email me today to learn more about adopting Daniel.

 

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GREAT NEWS, MATTHEW HAS A FAMILY!!!!

Advocacy works!

After YEARS of waiting on an impersonal list it took only 48 hours after an advocacy post for Matthew to be matched with his family!

These kids are sooooo much more than two lines of medical information.  They are beautiful human beings ready to give and receive love. They are not "files" or "cases" or "a walking special needs diagnosis" and they deserve better than being a number on a list. The deserve better than to wait needlessly while their childhood is lost to institutions.

Sigh, I know you all get it.

Thanks to everyone who helped spread the word.

Matthew has lots to smile about today!!!!!!!!!!

HEARTFELT CONGRATULATIONS TO THE LUCKY FAMILY WHO IS ADOPTING THIS GORGEOUS LITTLE GUY!

And a big ole at a boy to the readers of this blog who got the word out.  In 48 hours you helped Matthew find his family!  

And, Leah's file is locked and I'm prayerfully hoping she too will have a family soon.  

Owen still needs a family, so keep up the good work dear blog followers, let's not leave one behind!

Owen – Zhang Yang Yang – came to SWI 2002/06/08, date of birth 2002/04/16

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Three Healthy Kids Needing Families

When I was in China last month I was privileged to meet three truly sweet kids; Matthew, Leah and Owen.

Each of these kids is nine (or nearly 9) years old, perfectly healthy, polite, a good student and... orphaned.

AND EACH ONE OF THEM TOLD ME THEY WANT A FAMILY OF THEIR OWN.

They live in a SWI in China and their Director a dedicated and passionate mother herself  personally asked me to help find families for these three children who despite their healthy status were not adopted as infants.

So today I want to introduce you to three of the most charming kids you could ever meet and I hope that very very soon each of them will the family of their dreams.


Matthew UPDATE: MATTHEW HAS A FAMILY!!!!!!!!!
I'm just going to admit it now, if I could have scooped him up and taken him home with me right then and there I would have. 

Little Matthew who is not quite nine was shy at first but I soon learned he was ticklish and then it was all over.  He laughed and giggled and flashed the most gorgeous smile you can imagine. When asked what he liked to do he said study and watch TV and he was so proud to show us his dragon family picture.

Matthew's 9th birthday is coming up soon and I can't help but think a Mom and Dad to love him would be about the best gift he could ever receive.

Leah (He Ya, born July 15, 2003)

Leah is a cute little girl who was so shy she wouldn't even take a lollipop from me.  She held her head slightly down and whispered her answers to our questions.  She told us she likes to play basketball and to dance, she even showed us two awards she won for her dancing.  Her favorite foods are lamb, cabbage and strawberries.

This is a little girl who needs a daddy to tell her she is beautiful.

Link to video of "Leah"

Owen (Zhang Yang Yang , born April 16, 2002) 

Owen is the oldest of the bunch and he knows what adoption means because his best friend was recently adopted by an Australian family.  Owen is ready for a family of his own too!

Owen likes computers and eating beans, no kidding that's what he said! Owen is a serious boy who was very polite and sweet when we met.  I imagine him a future eagle scout and maybe the next Bill Gates.

Link to Video of Owen

Each of these kids are on China's Shared List and any agency placing special needs/older children in China should be able to find them for you.

If you would like more information about any of these three wonderful children please feel free to email me.

Please share this post with as many people as you can.  Let's get these kids home!

Don't forget to vote before you go!

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I'm brave but I'm chicken shit

Many of you have followed me since I adopted The Bee from Kazakhstan.  Back then I wrote a blog called Treasures of the Silk Road.  It was our adoption journal.  When I wrote that blog I was always careful, AWARE, maybe even a little bit paranoid that someone who could effect the outcome of our adoption was reading it.  So I was cautious and politically correct and in the course stilted and illusive.

When the time came for us to actually travel to Kazakhstan I made the entire blog private.  I think most of us going to Kaz did.  We had confirmed Kaz officials and adoption facilitators were reading the blogs of adoptive families and THAT was risky.  Adoption in Kazakhstan (at least then) was a less than transparent and forthright process.  Criticize your coordinator on a blog and your child might suddenly become unavailable (to you).

Later with the Ladybug I didn't make the site (Treasures of the Silk Road, China Edition) private but I did write as if my social worker and the entire Chinese adoption authority were reading. ... tra la la la la, I (heart) China, patience is a virtue, everything is perfect...it wasn't true.

With those heavily edited blogs I felt like I developed an online personality that was false.  One that seemed to me (and the friends who knew me) too nice, too perfect and frankly too boring.  I am a decidedly flawed, opinionated and snarky individual and that wasn't coming though in anything I dared to write while in the middle of an adoption because at the end of the day I was unwilling to write anything that might risk our adoptions.

So when my girls were finally and forever home I decided to tackle the whole blogging thing differently.   I was not going to be afraid to write in my own voice.  You know the one that says politically charged things like "anti adoption activists can SHUT UP!"

And so 10 months ago I started Five of My Own and set out to write (and frankly live my life) without (or with less) reserve.

It was all going along pretty smoothly until three things happened.

First, I got political.  I wrote I would participate in the Both Ends Burning March March in DC and I encountered criticism from the anti international adoption fringe that until then I didn't really know existed.  A few weeks later I was enraged by the photos of a baby starving in orphanage in Bulgaria and I berated "anti-IA activists" in an emotional blog post. That really drew fire (from some self termed "angry adoptees" who identified with "anti-IA activists").  It wasn't pretty.

Words can be powerful weapons and some of the their comments have left me reeling.  So many of the comments left here were not topical or constructive: many were personal, attacking and down right threatening.  (I know it sounds naive but it was also the first time that it even occurred to me that people who didn't support adoption would be reading my blog.)

There were strangers, angry sounding strangers out there saying menacing things like "we will rip your children from your arms" and it scared me. Let's face it there are some freaking crazy-ass people out there.

Second, as you all know we are adopting again and with that all the familiar insecurities are creeping back in to my head (and my writing).  I am not paranoid or conspiracy minded, I do not believe there are aliens at Area 51, that Kennedy was assassinated by the mob or that the Bush administration planned 9/11, but my recent "experience" with USCIS makes me go, hmmmmm.

Third, I was more open about my faith and that's all I will say on that.


So to quote a favorite song , "I'm brave but I'm chicken shit".


All of this has lead me to pull back.  I realized I was second guessing myself. A lot.  Which (as you may have noticed) is why I've stopped using the girl's names and why I'm currently working to  reformat this blog to remove anyway to identify or target my family. (God that sounds nuts...and more than a little pathetic, sigh.)

And it's also why I've marked a couple of posts as private.  Some you've already read that in retrospect now fill me with worry and new posts I want to write contemporaneously without fear of repercussion.

Right now the only invited reader is my husband (only because I had to at least one person to make the privacy feature work) and I'm not planning on sending invites. There is no exclusive club here; just me, my husband and misgiving.  

Most posts will remain public.  

My plan is to publish all private posts once I have the Butterfly securely in my custody.

And I know that sort of sucks. And it feels pretty cowardly. And the truth is I'm still trying to work it all out.

But right now it's the only way I can think of to write EVERYTHING about this adoption and still keep it real.

What it all comes down to

Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet

Cause I've got one hand in my pocket

And the other one is giving the peace sign

-Alanis Morissette

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As Summer Ends...

 Update: JUNE HAS FOUND HER FOREVER FAMILY!

June still waits.

I received an email from a family that recently met June while adopting there young daughter.  They sent new photos along with a beautiful note describing this very special little girl. I must share...

We met June recently when we visited her orphanage with our newly adopted, almost 4-year-old daughter. As we met with the caring, compassionate, devoted orphanage staff, we could see that there were several people that our daughter had exceptional affection towards and
quickly it was evident to us as to why she felt that way. Back in the spring of 2011, an American nurse had visited our now adopted daughter while at the orphanage. Unfortunately, she found that our daughter was ill and was hooked up to

an IV. It was great to see that the orphanage was capable and willing to care for her right there in an environment in which she was familiar. One thing that struck the nurse was that June was right by our daughter’s side, giving her comfort and looking after her while she was so scared. Appropriately, a nanny was also caring for her; but June was there to provide a little extra moral support.   At one point, June even helped our daughter (who needed some assistance) with going to the bathroom. While June could have been off playing with the other children, she was instead looking after a little friend and helping to ease her fears. 

 
When we recently visited the orphanage, I immediately saw those same character traits in June. Our daughter was excited to visit the orphanage with her new parents. June fully understood that our daughter had a new family and to my surprise, June behaved in a manner that indicated that she was truly happy for her little friend. As I watched her carefully, I could see that she looked on at our family with a longing and a hope that one day, she too, would have a family to call her own. At no point though did she exhibit jealously, bitterness, or anger- just a sweet, sincere, excitement for our daughter. At no point did she push herself on us or strive to inappropriately gain attention from us. Instead, she encouraged our daughter to not be afraid when it was time to leave and to embrace her family fully.
 
June is said to have left limb palsy due to meningitis when she was younger. We are seasoned adoptive parents who have adopted several kiddos with limb differences – so we were watching her with experienced eyes. While it is clear that June is affected on the left side, we do not think that her special need will impede her in reaching her fullest potential. She is a beautiful, petite, bright girl who seems mature despite her life circumstances. She is playful and helpful with smaller children; yet does not appear to be immature in her abilities. She relates well to children and to adults. Even though she was interacting with our daughter and a younger baby (who were both very responsive to her) she still seemed to understand that the nannies were in charge and she appears to have good boundaries. She was respectful to orphanage staff and was watchful of her role. She was able to carry a small toddler and walked steadily. The only time her special need stuck out was when she could not lift a pitcher full of tea with her left arm. However, she can hold items in that hand and can clearly lift things with both hands/arms working together. 
 
While eating a meal with her, we were most impressed with her manners, her ability to sit during the course of a meal and follow conversation without dominating the conversation. She was helpful with the little ones; yet respected when adults were stepping in. She was polite, obedient, and friendly. June is a mature young girl who will soon age out of the system and will lose her opportunity to belong in a family. She deserves to know the love of a mother and father. She clearly desires to be adopted and would likely transition well into a family system. This young girl will soon turn 14 and will lose her opportunity if someone does not step out in faith and welcome her as their own. 


 June- a girl with great potential, a girl who is caring and kind, a girl who needs a family, a girl whose time is running out… 

ALSO STILL WAITING....

Craig

(3/2010, Clubbed feet (Unilateral) and Deformity of fingers, special focus)

Kaelen

(10/2010, maldevelopment of both hands, special focus)

OLLIE

(4/2004 mild cerebral palsy/video available, Special Focus: Singles allowed)

NEW/UPDATED PHOTO OF OLLIE

If you would like to learn how you can adopt one of these beautiful children email me for agency information today.
Fiveofmyown@gmail.com

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Smells Like Hunger

Now that The Butterfly is living at Shepherd's Field I am getting new pictures and even video on a regular basis.  Recently there were photos from an End of Summer Pool Party.

The normalcy the kids seem to have at Shepherd's Field continues to astound me. I mean really can you even get your head around a pool party in a orphanage?

Of course you first have to be able to imagine an orphanage. Which honestly without being there is quite near impossible.  Because, there is no academic way to truly understand orphanage life.  You can't study it in a book or get it by looking at a picture. You need to TOUCH it, SMELL it and TASTE it to even begin to understand.

Recently I've seen people on some of the adoption message boards discuss whether they should visit their child's orphanage or not.  Frankly I can't imagine not going.

First, it is part of your child's story before you and that matters, a lot.

Second, I think a multi sensory experience is critical to your understanding of the realities of orphanage life which provides insight and understanding to your child.

Third, the memories your child has of their orphanage will not likely be captured in a photo (particularly of the outside of the building - because they never saw that).  Instead your child's memories will be smaller, more specific and "child sized",  like images of a the room or crib where they spent most of their time or even more powerful they will be the visceral memories of sound or smell or touch. AND at some point they may need you (or someone) to help add context to these memories.

I will never forget the smells of the baby house in Ust Kamenogorsk; the thick pungent wall of cabbage soup that seemed to replace the oxygen in the room. It remains my most vivid memory of that orphanage.

But I am not the only one who remembers this.

We routinely talk to the girls about their adoption stories.  We tell them about how mommy and daddy got on a plane and flew across the globe to meet them.  It's a sweet story the girls beg us to tell over and over again.

One night, like many before,  I cuddled up with The Bee and started into "her story" but this night without much thought I added a new detail.   I said, "Mommy and Daddy walked into the baby house and right away we could smell the cabbage soup." Suddenly The Bee began sobbing, her chest heaved... a deep primal wound ripped open wide.  

She choked out between sobs, "I...was...hungry",  She tried to catch her breathe and stammered, "they took... my soup."  Gasping for air she repeated over and over, "I wasn't done. .... I. was. hungry."

For the next ten minutes she cried and shook and heaved in my arms.  I rocked my sweet daughter while she continued to sob, "I was hungry, I was hungry, I was hungry..." until the words became rhythmic and faded to a faint whisper and she fell asleep in my arms.


The Bee was TWO YEARS OLD (and 16 pounds) when we adopted her and it had been more than a year since she last smelled that soup.

Most of the time orphanage life does not include pool parties.  Most of the time it is brutal.  I've heard stories that make my heart sink BUT I don't think any story or photo or video clip will ever teach me as much about orphanage reality as the month I spent in the baby house in Kazakhstan or the weeks I spent in China. Being there informed me in a way nothing else could. Those experiences are unforgettable for me...and my daughters.

If you have the chance to visit your child's orphanage I encourage you to do so.  Hopefully you will find it to be a pool party orphanage.  Either way you will learn something about your child and that is always a good thing.

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My Daughter's REAL Birthdate Matters

Today is The Ladybug’s birthday but it is not the birth date listed on her Chinese birth certificate. Because the date listed on her birth certificate is wrong; a date incorrectly estimated and assigned to her by an orphanage director. We know this to be true based on first-hand accounts by the foster parents who took custody of her within hours of her birth.

The dates are “only” off by about a month so it’s not as if they affect anything in terms of significant age, developmental assessments or school placement or anything else like that.  It’s just that the birth date is not hers.

And for a kid who’s already lost so much of her birth story that month really matters.

But let me tell you getting this mistake corrected isn’t as simple as it should be. 

We have actually had to hire an immigration/adoption attorney to prepare a formal motion with the court; in doing so we have had to gather documentation from China, her foster parents and our physician. But that’s not the worst part, our attorney has actually advised us NOT to proceed with our request because it could cause inconsistencies in The bug's “official records” that flag immigration and Homeland Security.  She could have problems when obtaining a passport and when traveling in and out of the US.

So basically a consistent error is preferred over a onetime correction?

Are you kidding me? 

According to the "experts" my daughter should just suck it up and keep a false birth date because it’s an administrative hassle and apparently represents too much complexity for our government to get right?  If that’s the best we can do then we seriously have no hope of keeping terrorists out of our country.  Because if THIS is too complicated, a five year old with a typo on her forms, we’re sunk. 

And this does bring to light one point (there are many) of absolute agreement I have with adult adoptees; 

Adoptees should have full unrestricted access to their original birth certificates, medical history and birth information and, should be able to correct erroneous information without administrative burden.

My daughter’s birth date is the one thing from her birth story that she still “owns” and no amount of USCIS/TSA/Homeland Security bureaucratic stupidity is going to take it away from her!

TODAY is her birthday. 

Not July 25^th. TODAY.

And it matters that we get it right.

Happy 5th birthday my love.

We go to court in October.  Wish us luck,

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Sick of IA Critics

I'm sickened. I'm angry.  I am down right pissed. And I WANT TO JUST THROW THIS COMPUTER ACROSS THE ROOM.


 This beautiful little girl is being allowed to waste away in an orphanage.

And while my heart breaks for her and the family that wants needs her home NOW,  I can't help but think about all these self appointed IA  "activists" who deem (oh so academically, because none of them are serving in China or Ethiopia or any other "victimized sending country") international adoption to be evil and adoptive parents the evil doers.

(oh sure they don't say all...they begrudgingly allow that some adoptions (as if they are the minority) are necessary last resort options and of course some AP's better than just evangelizing dolts out to save the word as they conspire with child abductors. But just some. Grrrr.)

What did they call it now?

cultural genocide?


colonialism?


innately corrupt?
 

What was that they accused me of being?

Overly dramatic for suggesting children "rot" in orphanages?

A rich woman with an Angelina Jolie celebrity fixation preying on the poor women of the third world?

Didn't they chastise me because I wanted to march in DC to bring attention to the unnecessary bureaucracy in the IA process? Because unnecessary bureaucracy and delay is a good thing...for this child?

Well right now, as I type with tears still in my eyes I say to you... broad brush, anti adoption "activists"...

until you can fix THIS....


SHUT UP!


Until you are really willing to talk about how to protect children.... from trafficking and laundering and inappropriate separation from birth families WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY &  WITH EQUAL EMPHASIS protecting them from the abuse and starvation and institutional neglect they suffer, I don't want to hear it. 

No, IA (like this world we live in) is not perfect, but in many cases it is necessary.  And no, international adoption is not the first option, but once the better options are eliminated it is a good option-in fact it can be a very good one.

A solution that balances the overarching issues that cause children to become "orphans" with the real time needs of children already "orphaned" is required... because we can't shouldn't ask Katerina to DIE WAITING for a politically correct solution.  Anything less is about promoting an agenda...at the expense of children in crisis.

At Katerina's expense.

Is that enough 'NUANCE" for one evil adoptive parent?

...to my fellow AP evil doers's please reach out to this mom and give her your support.  Pray for her and her daughter and for the staff at this orphanage. 

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Attachment & Trauma Network

I'm always so impressed to see the good work some people are doing to help orphaned and adopted kids.  Here's another I came across today.



Attachment and Trauma Network, Inc is participating in the Pepsi Refresh Project and trying to win funding to form a resource network for families dealing with attachment issues following adoption. If you want to vote for this group you can do it here.

Just thought you'd like to know.

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Just thought you'd like to know...

Marvielles Jewelry has teamed with Both Ends Burning to create a limited edition (only 120 pieces to be created) memorable necklace in support of the Empty Stroller March (now called "Step Forward for Orphans") that will be held in Washington, D.C. on 8/26/11.  A percentage of the proceeds from the sale of the necklaces will be donated to Both Ends Burning to further the mission. 

 Necklaces are the standard 16". The stroller charm is silver plated (lead and nickel free) and the chain is satin rope. Only $16 and free shipping within the USA (outside USA is $3). Purchase via Paypal to info@marviellesjewelry.com.

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Adoption Political Correctness

(Thanks Julie M for sending this too me. I needed the laugh.)

OK your turn, what was the dumbest thing someone has said to you about adoption? How did you respond?

Is it better to ignore, retort in a coy or snarky fashion, civilly but directly confront the inappropriateness of the comment or just tell them to piss off and walk away?

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Isobel from Butterfly House

 I am heartsick, broken.  Dear sweet Isobel, who I held just a month ago, is gone.

Please if you have a heart to adopt PLEASE find a way to do so now. They can not wait.

And PRAY for Lyn and the nanny's at Butterfly House who filled Isobel with love, made her giggle and smile, soothed her tears and held her in their arms... to the end.

Here is the email I received from them. 

"It is with great sadness that we share the news that Isobel has passed away. This brave little
girl exceeded all our expectations – living for longer and with more joy than we originally
thought possible. Isobel was one of our first babies. She was sent to us due to her incurable
liver disease, and she soon became a princess in Butterfly Home. She learnt to charm her
way into the hearts of visitors, and gently tease her brothers and sisters. She was funny and
clever, with a little bit of drama about her too. Most importantly of all, she was loved, and
she reflected that love back to those around her.

Isobel passed away peacefully on the night of Tuesday 19th July in her nanny’s arms. Just
last week she was in great spirits – a cheeky little girl enjoying cuddles, music and playing
silly games. During the time leading up to her death, she was never alone, and the nannies
who love her sang and prayed over her as she slept. This special little princess will be
deeply missed at Butterfly Home. We are forever thankful for the support which allowed
Isobel to live a cherished life."

waking up from her nap when we first arrived

playing with my bracelets around her legs...

big smiles

lunch time

just wanting to play

you were loved

To You, O Lord, we humbly entrust this child, so precious in Your sight. Take Isobel into Your arms and welcome her into paradise, where there will be no sorrow, no weeping nor pain, but the fullness of peace and joy with Your Son and the Holy Spirit forever and ever. Amen.

To make a donation to Butterfly House in memory of Isobel please go here.  

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June Bug

Please meet June... Junie B...  June Bug, whom I met while in China last month (yeah it was June). Smiley Junie B really wants a family of her own but sadly she has just a year left to find one. June just turned 13 and in China once a child turns 14 they can no longer be adopted.This is Junes last chance for a family to call her own.

June faces a harsh reality without a family. She needs someone to come forward NOW!

June is a very sweet and gentle little girl. I actually thought she was much younger because she was so small for her age that and she still liked to play. She played hopscotch and skipped rope and  when we marched around the driveway outside the orphanage with her and the other kids she stayed right by me singing and giggling so hard I thought she was going to fall over. Even at 13 there is still so much little girl in her!

June in the yellow dress (btw her faces is painted!)

June's special need is so slight that many in our group never even noticed it. And most importantly June wants to be adopted. I personally spoke to her about this and she says she wants a foreign family to adopt her. Experts will tell you this is a hugely positive factor for attachment with older children.

If you would like to learn more about June please email me at loriprinty@gmail.com.

You can also read more about June on my friend Shannon's blog.

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